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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317595">To Get To Know Your Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shommey99/pseuds/Shommey99'>Shommey99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Life with Derek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Mentions of Sex, Mutual Pining, Swearing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:00:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shommey99/pseuds/Shommey99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She had a series of ideas and plans on how her life should look like right now. And somehow, she had managed to fuck up every single one of them. </p><p>Not on her own, though. </p><p> </p><p>Or: The Casey McDonald College Experience.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Casey McDonald/Derek Venturi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>168</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. What You Break (And How to Fix it)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone!</p><p>So, I've been down the Dasey rabbit hole for months now. And this fic's been in my head for a long time, so I decided to just write it to get it out of my system. And then, I decided to post it, if anything just to give something back to this awesome fandom.</p><p>Also, I wanted to <strong>warn you</strong> that Casey's thoughts get dark in this first chapter, as she is going through a rough patch. Just in case this may trigger depresive thoughts for you. It gets better as the chapter progresses.  </p><p>By the way, English is not my first language, so I do apologize if there are any horrible mistakes.</p><p>Happy reading, I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>“Casey! Casey, breathe!”</em> she vaguely registers Holly’s frantic voice, concerned face and fingertips digging into her forearms through the blur of tears, and the deafening sound of her own ragged breathing.</p><p>She knows this is probably a panic attack, and <em>god</em>, they are scarier when drunk. </p><p>“I can’t, I can’t. I fucked up my entire life, I ruined everything!” Casey sobs. She’s not one for swearing, she usually scrunches up her nose in distaste whenever someone else does, but apparently alcohol and her current state of helplessness are enough to bring it out of her.</p><p>“Honey, no, everything is fine. You’re okay, listen to my voice, okay? Try looking me in the eyes. There, good, breathe with me. There you go, in and out, good.”</p><p>Casey doesn’t really know why this is working, she can’t rationalize anything, but she stares at Holly’s warm brown eyes and copies the other girl’s breathing. </p><p>“I… ruined… my life,” she chokes out. </p><p>“Okay Casey, listen. Nothing is ruined, you can’t prove it yet!” Holly says.</p><p>Casey looks at her confusedly, breathing still labored but somewhat calmer. </p><p>“See, you strike me as the kind of girl that likes to go with the facts, so just… State the facts to me, and then we’ll figure out if anything’s too broken, yeah?”</p><p>“T-the facts?”</p><p>“Yes. Tell me everything that happened and we’ll go from there. Come on, you can trust me, we live together after all.”</p><p>The cold night air is freezing Casey’s tear stained cheeks, but Holly’s hands are a welcomed source of warmth. She stares at her roommate’s face for a few moments and then takes a deep breath… </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey McDonald’s first year of college is not going as planned. And see, she has always been a plan your whole life kind of girl. Sure, she’d had to wing it a few times, but she had remained somewhat on track throughout high school, even in a hostile environment. </p><p>She had a series of ideas and plans on how her life should look like right now. And somehow, she’d managed to fuck up every single one of them. </p><p>Not on her own, though. </p><p>Casey had come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t perfect <em>(not even close)</em>. She’d been well knocked off her high horse and was forced to grovel in the dirt at a new house, with a new family, and had to fight her way to the top. </p><p>She had found a new normal in London, away from her ideal life in Toronto. She’d come to love her friends and her new blended family; she even became quite fond of Derek, having finally reached a dynamic in which both their egos and competitive nature could coexist <em>(sort of)</em> under the same roof. </p><p>So finally life was good again, she had excellent grades and friends, a scholarship for a great university, and even a boyfriend. Not exactly a <em>good one</em> by any of the standards she had set up for herself so long ago, but a <em>necessary</em> one.</p><p>She doesn’t know why she thought she needed Truman in the first place. She just knows that in the midst of all the shit that was going on, she needed someone to be there and take her mind off things. She thinks it could have probably been anyone, because she knows she’s not particularly fond of Truman anyway. And that is maybe a horrible thing to think, and totally not something she would have normally done, but she hasn’t really been herself for a while now. </p><p>Casey’s not exactly sure when everything started going to shit.  She just knows one second she’s happy, or maybe content. She knows she has friends, and family and a future. She knows she can dance with Derek in front of all of Canada, and help him study so he can graduate high school, and maybe even hold onto his gaze for a little too long, or close her eyes and let herself feel the butterflies for just a second before moving on with her day.</p><p>And she knows the next second, her mother is pregnant, Derek’s dating Emily, she’s dating Truman, and she’s standing in a dimly lit kitchen, saying something stupid, watching deep brown eyes frown at her in disappointment. </p><p>It was meant to be an innocent conversation, with no heavy meaning behind it. But it didn’t feel like that. It felt loaded with something neither of them had acknowledged before. She saw it in Derek’s eyes when he agreed with her. It was a look of acceptance. <em>You’re calling the shots</em>.</p><p>“Derek, you’re the most annoying brother – “</p><p>“Step-brother.”</p><p>Well, yes. He was <em>not</em> her brother, never had been. Casey thinks she had maybe grown to see him as a part of her family. They live together, they share siblings and parental figures, but she never saw him as a brother. She kind of thinks of it like this: your spouse is your family, but they are not a brother or a sister or a cousin or a son or a daughter. She’s <em>not</em> saying she sees Derek as a spouse or a partner either, just part of her family, in a non familial way. </p><p>She’d noticed some changes in their relationship. Looks that lasted too long, touches that lingered, a longing inside of her growing stronger. She didn’t let herself wonder what could be, what it would be like to explore it. She just knew that now it seemed wrong, worse than before. </p><p>Her mother was <em>pregnant</em>; they were going to share a flesh and blood sibling. And suddenly every little neglected fantasy seemed to be in a box inside her heart that she had to lock with heavy chains and throw into a volcano. </p><p>So – </p><p>“Same difference.”</p><p>And it felt like such bullshit. She had almost wanted Derek to laugh at her. She has never been a good liar, that’s his thing. But it seemed she had gotten better at it, because Derek just stared at her, with this sad, thoughtful look in his eyes, and said, in a deep voice that cracked her heart, “Yeah. You’re right.”</p><p>If before that conversation things hadn’t really started going to hell, she thinks they were positively going to hell now.</p><p>Derek started avoiding her like the plague. He pretended everything was normal when there were other people around, but he didn’t engage completely in their arguments, and he didn’t really look her in the eye. She noticed he avoided ending up alone in a room with her, bolting out of sight any time it happened without even bothering to make up an excuse.</p><p>So she occupied her summer with preparing for college, hanging out with Emily <em>(sharing her with Derek)</em> and going out with Truman.</p><p>Truman is another thing she’s not sure how it happens. It wasn’t supposed to last. She had only agreed to go to prom with him as a favor to Emily and Derek, and even though she took him back, the moment she got home she felt like she had made a mistake. </p><p>Whatever feelings she had once harbored towards Truman were almost completely obliterated the moment he cheated on her with Vicky. She figures she was at prom, he looked handsome and was treating her sweetly, and Derek was dancing with Emily, and she just… took him back, without really thinking it through.</p><p>So her resolve was to break up with Truman, tell him she thought he was a great guy (<em>not</em> really, but that’s how she is, she is <em>nice</em>), but that she just wasn’t feeling a connection anymore.</p><p>But then her mother announced she was pregnant and suddenly, she couldn’t bring herself to break up with him.  She can’t explain why. Casey was truly happy about the baby, but a little, quiet part of her she refuses to acknowledge felt slightly… cheated. Like her mom was taking advantage of the situation. Casey had agreed to a marriage and moving all her life to London already, and now a new baby? A baby sibling that she had to actually <em>share</em> with Derek? </p><p>Those thoughts were so horrible and made her so sick with guilt that she buried them deep with the other ugly parts of herself that she keeps hidden, like her unruly fantasies, and her insecurities, and her abandonment and daddy issues. And to keep that resentment at bay, she needed a distraction. And that’s something Truman was actually good for. </p><p>So that’s how her summer went, with Derek ignoring her, dating Truman and helping her mother around the house when her pregnancy sickness was worse.</p><p>One afternoon, she was watching movies with Emily. They both had plans for the night, Casey with Truman and Emily with Derek. At some point between <em>‘The Notebook’</em> (and she honest to god cannot remember the movie that came after that), Emily turned to her.</p><p>“Case. I need to tell you something.”</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>“No, nothing’s wrong I just…” Emily chewed on her bottom lip, “I think I want to… do <em>it</em> with Derek. Tonight.”</p><p>It felt like she was hearing Emily from underwater, the words sounded estranged and far away, but each one of them still managed to nail itself into Casey’s brain.

Casey knows she’s a terrible liar. She’s learned from Derek, actually, that when you hear something upsetting, but you don’t want to let the other person know how it really makes you feel, you have to say as little as possible. She knew her face was probably betraying her, but she still tried to stick to monosyllables. </p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>Emily blushed, but smiled. “Yeah, I really trust him, and he’s so sweet with me, and I feel like I really want to do it.” Casey thought she was doing a good job controlling her face, but then Emily asked, “What do you think?”</p><p><em>Oh god why, why me?</em> Casey thought of an appropriate response, but all she could come up with was – </p><p> “I mean, if that’s what you <em>really</em> want to do, I can’t stop you.”</p><p>She didn’t mean for it to sound so bitchy. She knew it sounded like she was discrediting Derek as someone trustworthy to lose your virginity to, which is not what she thinks at all; she had seen him with Sally and Kendra and she knows he can be sweet and caring. But it was how it sounded anyway, and she could see Emily’s face close off.</p><p>“Gee, thanks for the support, Case.” she said sarcastically, getting up from her seat.</p><p>Immediately feeling guilty, Casey grabbed her hand. “No, no Em. I’m sorry, you know I support you,” she said in a caring voice, even though it felt like her insides were wrenching. “It’s just that it’s <em>Derek</em>, so it’s a little weird for me.”</p><p>Emily sighed, “If you say so.”</p><p>Emily had felt the rift between Casey and Derek too. They hardly hanged out in a group of three, just when Sam and Ralph were around to use as an awkwardness buffer, so Emily had had to split herself in two to spend enough time with both of them. </p><p>So Emily went on her date with Derek and Casey went on her date with Truman, her head filled up with restless and uncomfortable thoughts. </p><p>And as it turns out, by the next day Derek and Emily were broken up, and Casey was no longer a virgin. </p><p>She doesn’t know why she did it. She’s not sure how much that conversation with Emily had influenced in her decision of doing it, but she knows it played some part in it. She knows that it was also the illusion of impending adulthood and independence. <em>This is what big girls do, you’re a woman, you’re eighteen and you’re going to University</em>.</p><p>It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great either. It just wasn’t really anything. She didn’t feel completed or more grown up or womanly. She just felt… empty, like she had done something wrong. Truman had reassured her that she was perfect, and although she had always loved praise, for some reason Truman’s opinion didn’t hold any real meaning to her. Sex with Truman didn’t hold any meaning to her.</p><p>Casey has always been a go big or go home kind of girl. So she did it again, and again with the intention of getting it <em>right</em>, and if Truman’s enthusiasm was anything to go by, she figured she was good at it. But it still didn’t do anything for her. She didn’t feel more of a woman, or more fulfilled. She felt emptier, and in desperate need for filling. </p><p>And all that sex was probably the only reason Truman didn’t break up with her over the summer in the first place. And Casey doesn’t want to admit that losing her virginity to him was the only reason <em>she</em> hadn’t broken up with him. But really, it felt like she had given him something sacred and irreplaceable, so even though she knew she didn’t hold any feelings for him, Casey still couldn’t bring herself to break up with him. </p><p>So summer ended, and they went to Queen’s and she was still with Truman, and Derek was still acting weird around her. Emily didn’t want to talk about their break up, and Casey didn’t want to ask Derek about it. The official story is that they didn’t want to do long distance and it was better to end it in good terms. </p><p>They got to Derek’s dorm first – he’s lucky and got a single dorm <em>(of course he did)</em>. Her mom and George were there to help move all his stuff in, and then the four of them went to Casey’s. Her roommate, Holly, hadn’t arrived yet.</p><p>She was settled in, and their parents left and suddenly it was just her and Derek standing in her dorm, in Kingston, away from London, away from everything.</p><p>They locked eyes and his looked kind of like they had that night in the kitchen, and she was about to ask him if he wanted to hang around for a bit, when she remembered – </p><p>
  <em>‘You’re the most annoying brother – “</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Step-brother.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Same difference.’ </em>
</p><p>So instead, she said – 	</p><p>“Well, I guess this is it.”</p><p>Derek searched her face for a second; it felt weird, like he was looking at her for the last time.</p><p>“See you around, Spacey.”</p><p>Except she doesn’t see him around. He doesn’t come to see her and she doesn’t go to see him. They don’t call, they don’t text, and suddenly it’s been two months and her life is Derekless. She thought it was going to be a relief, to get away from him, from his pranks and his recklessness and her own weird feelings, but it hasn’t been.</p><p>She actually misses all her family, a terrible lot. She misses London, and high school, and having her life under control. </p><p>Casey likes control. Sometimes, when she’s in the brink of insanity (people tell her she’s always dancing there on the edge), she takes comfort in knowing that control is all she has. She organizes her whole life, she always has. But since the moment she stepped foot in university, and Derek vanished, and the homesickness started to consume her, the less she has is control.</p><p>It started slowly; she couldn’t bring herself to study one afternoon. It was very weird, she was sitting at her desk in her room, and she just couldn’t open her textbook. She felt like she wanted to, she had to, but she just couldn’t. Hours ticked by and she hadn’t gotten any work done. So she just figured she was tired or something, and decided to go to sleep instead.</p><p>It only went downhill from there. She couldn’t concentrate on her classes and she couldn’t bring herself to study. Her grades started to flop, and so did her interest to get up to go to class.</p><p>She hasn’t made any friends. She talks to some people in her classes, but her heart isn’t in it. Her roommate, Holly, tried to convince her to go out with her a couple of times. But Casey doesn’t really like her. It’s not that she’s a bad person or anything; Casey just doesn’t think that their personalities match. Holly is upbeat and bubbly like Casey is <em>(or like she used to be)</em>. But she’s also kind of ditzy and very messy, and Casey hates messes, and she doesn’t think she can handle her right now.</p><p>Her family calls her on the weekends, and she sometimes tries to tell her mom that something’s wrong with her. But then she hears all the noise coming from her mother’s end of the line, the ruckus that is always happening in the McDonald-Venturi household, and Casey thinks <em>‘maybe some other time’</em>.</p><p>She thinks maybe she just wants to switch her major. Ever since she was a little kid, she had wanted to be a lawyer like her daddy, but it doesn’t seem to be working out for her. Then again, it’s the only plan she has left to hold on to, so she doesn’t know what to do. </p><p>She talks a lot to Emily, who is really happy and thriving at UoT. Casey finds that she’s a really good liar over the phone actually, so she tells her she’s happy too. </p><p>Truman called her too, sometimes. Their calls weren’t usually long and Casey really didn’t feel like talking to him. She knows they were neglecting each other, that their relationship was a joke at this point. And so that’s how Casey gets to this Friday, her life a complete and utter wreck; her grades a mess, her social life a mess, herself a mess. </p><p>Truman calls and he breaks up with her. And okay, if she’s being honest it doesn’t really hurt <em>(it doesn’t really matter)</em>, but she just feels like the ground is going to swallow her whole. So when Holly invites her to go out with her, she says yes.</p><p>They go down to a very popular bar just outside campus named Tino’s, and Casey gets drunk for the first time in her life. Holly is actually pretty fun and crazy, like no girl she has ever hanged out with. </p><p>She meets a boy named Anthony. He’s very handsome – tall, with a mop of curly black hair and the greenest eyes she has ever seen. They flirt, and she feels very pretty and very free. He makes her laugh and actually, his witty sense of humor reminds her a little bit of Derek. He tells her that this is his last night in town and he’s transferring out of Queen’s, and she knows she’s never going to see him again and she thinks, <em>perfect</em>.</p><p>They make out heavily, and their chemistry feels like it’s cackling with electricity. They end up in the bathroom, Casey sitting on top of the sink with her legs wrapped around him, and suddenly she really wants this. </p><p>“Do you have a condom?” she gasps, breathlessly.</p><p>Anthony looks at her like she’s a gift from the divine, and she feels very powerful. “Yeah.”</p><p>So Casey has sex with a stranger in a bar bathroom. </p><p>It’s fun, and fast, and messy, and she laughs a lot. She even comes. The night ends and Anthony leaves, kissing her on the cheek sweetly. Holly winks at her.</p><p>“Wow, I really didn’t take you for the kind of girl who would do that.”</p><p>And there it is, like a bucket full of ice water being dropped on her head, a feeling of unease and remorse crawling up her back. <em>What have I done?</em></p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>So that’s how she ends up here, having a panic attack on a sidewalk, totally drunk and telling her roommate a condensed version of her down path into insanity.</p><p>“O-okay,” Holly says, “Well, I can’t say I didn’t really notice you were having a rough time, I tried to get you to go out with me so I could cheer you up, and I’m sorry it made it worse, but I’m glad you’re actually telling me about all of this.”</p><p>Casey wipes her hands under her eyes, “I just feel like I just finished d-destroying who I was. This is not m-me at all.”</p><p>Holly tugs on her arm until they’re both sitting on the sidewalk, and she turns to look at her. “But you’re still you; you’ve just been in a funk.”</p><p>Casey shakes her head, “I ruined my life.”</p><p>“Come on, how old are you? Eighteen? You didn’t ruin anything. You just hit rock bottom my friend, and that is a good thing, because you can only go up from there.”</p><p>Casey frowns. That sounds familiar; she thinks she maybe heard it from a movie she watched with Marti. </p><p>“Are you quoting something?”</p><p>“Okay, I may have heard it from the Hannah Montana movie, but it’s a real thing.”</p><p>Casey laughs, and Holly blushes a little, and Casey can feel the hand clutching her heart start to loosen its grip. </p><p>“No, but I mean it,” Holly presses on, “It’s only been two months, you can still save the semester.”</p><p>But there is another thing Casey can’t get out of her head. “I had sex with a stranger. I can’t deal with that.”</p><p>“Why is it so bad?”</p><p>“Because it’s not who I am!” Casey shrieks, “I was supposed to lose my virginity to a man I love, not to Truman! S-sex is supposed to be special and I’m having it with strangers, I feel like I gave up something I can’t ever get back!”</p><p>Holly rubs soothing circles on Casey’s back, “Okay, let’s get the important things down. Did you use a condom?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Was it bad?”</p><p>“N-no, I enjoyed it, but I f-feel terrible now.”</p><p>Holly hugs her and Casey lets herself fall against her. She feels comforted, like when her mom or Emily hold her when she’s feeling down. Casey buries her face in her roommate’s blonde hair and cries a little more.</p><p>“Honey, it was just an experience. You did it, it’s done. You can’t change that. You were safe and that’s what matters. It doesn’t change who you are. You didn’t lose any part of yourself. You’re whole and safe and healthy. It was just an experience, and you don’t ever have to do it again, it’s your life, and your body, and your choice.”</p><p>Holly pulls away to look at her, “It’s your life and your decisions Casey, you can do whatever you want with it. You can choose to never have sex again, or you can wait for the right guy... Or girl.” Holly winks at her and Casey lets out a watery chuckle. “I promise that when the right person comes, whatever you do with them will be special, and won’t have anything to do with what you did in the past.”</p><p>Casey looks at her, this girl who doesn’t know her all that well, but is still being kind and supportive. Her words feel full of everything Casey’s been needing to hear for months. </p><p>“I t-think you’re right.”</p><p>Her roommate laughs, “If only my mom could hear you now.” Holly takes her hands, “Casey. It’s only been two months; you can still pull you grades out of the gutter. I know some friends that do study plans or whatever, maybe they can help you.”</p><p>It’s like a fire ignites inside Casey when the words ‘study plans’ register in her brain. Suddenly, the next days and weeks and exam dates are laid in front of her in her mind’s eye, and she can see how to fit every subject in a schedule. It’s going to be a hell of a lot of work. She can feel the familiar thrill of excitement that the challenge brings her. </p><p>Holly pulls her out of her thoughts, “And, it sucks that your best friend dated your ex boyfriend, but I really think you need some kind of closure from him,” she says, nodding sympathetically. </p><p>Casey stares at her dumbly, “Derek and I didn’t go out, he is my step-brother.”</p><p>“What?” Holly looks supremely confused, a look she sports a lot of the time, and a total contrast to the wisdom guru she had been just a few moments before. “Wait. I totally got everything wrong from that story.”</p><p>Casey sighs and gets up wobbly from the sidewalk, offering her hand to help Holly to her feet, “Thank you, Holly. I needed that. Let’s just go home and sleep.”</p><p>And she feels that spark growing inside of her, and she feels more like herself than she has felt in months. Because getting her shit together is going to be a hell of a challenge. </p><p>And there hasn’t ever been a challenge Casey McDonald has backed down from.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey wakes up at 9 am on Saturday with a raging hangover. She ignores her pulsing headache and bolts out of bed. She grabs paper and colorful markers and starts doing a study plan. There’s two weeks before exams. She has to find a way to fit two months of studying into two weeks. </p><p>Holly comes into her room at 12 am with two steaming mugs, “Why are you laughing maniacally?”</p><p>Casey points proudly to the floor, all covered in stacks of papers, textbooks and highlighters. “I’m getting my shit together!”</p><p>“You don’t look much put together right now.”</p><p>Casey waves her hand dismissively, “Oh believe me, this is me at my best.”</p><p>And that’s how it goes; she spends the next two weeks holed up in her room and the library studying, with Holly keeping her company.</p><p>Casey gets to know Holly better. She’s a very peculiar person. It takes her some time to figure out who she reminds her of, but then she gets it and it’s like a breakthrough.

Holly is a female mix of Ralph and Sheldon Schlepper. She’s kind of absent minded and ditzy for a lot of things, but she’s immensely wise, sensitive, and reliable. She’s also the most oblivious person in the world, and lacks a filter when it comes to say the first thing in her mind.</p><p>Casey grows to love her very quickly, and she marvels at the difference between how she felt a month ago and how she feels now. </p><p>She passes her exams with decent grades, not really all that great, but impressive considering the little time she had to study.</p><p>Casey is gushing to Holly about how proud she is of herself when her roommate asks her, out of nowhere, “Hey, what about that guy, Derek?”</p><p>Casey halts on her rant, and looks at her uneasily, “What about him?”</p><p>“Why aren’t you seeing him? Isn’t he here at Queen’s?”</p><p>“Yeah, but… We haven’t really seen each other.”</p><p>“Don’t you want to see him?”</p><p>Casey chews on her bottom lip, “It’s complicated.”</p><p>She does want to see him, but she doesn’t know how he would react if she just dropped by unannounced. She doesn’t even know if <em>Derek</em> would want to see her. </p><p>Holly sighs, “Look girl, I just know you were miserable without him. If someone makes you happy, maybe you should keep them in your life.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey ponders it the next few days. It’s not like she doesn’t know anything about Derek. She didn’t let her mother know she wasn’t actually seeing him, but she still managed to direct their conversations towards her step-brother in hopes that she would find out something about how he’s doing. She just knows he is in the hockey team and has practice twice a week, that he still hasn’t been expelled or arrested, and that he’s most definitely alive and talking to the family.</p><p>She’s in a coffee shop she likes a lot, and there’s a hockey match playing on the TV and she can’t stop thinking about him. She remembers where his dorm is. She could just drop by briefly. But what would she say? Her feet are already carrying her towards his apartment, and she’s still debating whether it’s a good idea or not.</p><p>She’s in front of his door. <em>There’s still time to back out.</em></p><p>She knocks on the door. <em>Maybe he isn’t home.</em></p><p>The door opens, and there’s Derek.</p><p>She hasn’t seen him in two and a half months, and he looks the same, but somehow seeing him in her new state of mind kicks her in the chest, and she has to catch her breath for a moment. </p><p>“Casey?” he looks startled. There is no annoyance or gladness on his face, just plain surprise.</p><p>“Hey, D.” She says, slightly breathless.</p><p>His eyes search her face, and she lets hers do the same, feeling weird and caught up in the moment, as if Derek had opened the door to another dimension. Upon this closer inspection, she realizes that there are bags under his eyes, much like hers, and his normally cocky and upbeat persona looks kind of dulled.</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>While she looks for an appropriate answer to that question, her eyes settle on the inside of his dorm over his shoulder. She gasps.</p><p>“De-rek! Look at this <em>dump</em>.” Casey shoves her way inside the apartment, ignoring Derek’s protests and looking around.</p><p>Derek’s room back in London had always been messy, but this place looks like a dirty tornado torn everything up. There are clothes thrown haphazardly across the tiny living room area, dirty plates, glasses and coffee cups stacked on top of the coffee table, dust on the floor, and the room honestly smells. </p><p>She looks back at him, horrified. “How do you live like this!?”</p><p>Derek rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, “Sorry, didn’t have much time to clean up in the short notice you <em>didn’t</em> give me when you <em>didn’t</em> call ahead.”</p><p>Casey sets her hands on her hips, nodding determinedly. “We’re cleaning this place up.”</p><p>Derek’s eyes snap back to her, “Oh, I don’t think so. In fact, feel free to leave any time now.”</p><p>His tone is threatening enough, but she doesn’t miss the way his entire demeanor seems to light up in the way it always does when he is gearing up for one of their fights. She feels the anticipation grow inside of her too.</p><p>Casey raises her eyebrows challengingly, “Wanna bet?”</p><p>Five minutes later, Casey is cleaning up Derek’s living room while he lounges lazily on the sofa, the TV playing the same hockey game that was on in the coffee shop. Casey complains loudly the whole time, pointing out how disgusting he is, and Derek laughs at her and tells her to leave him alone already, but she can feel his eyes following her every move. She finds herself constantly sneaking glances back at him too, taking him in, for the first time in months. </p><p>Their gazes cross paths and she can’t help the genuine smile that appears on her face. Derek smirks back. Her heartbeat picks up joyfully, and she sighs and goes back to her task of turning Derek’s dorm back into habitable conditions. </p><p>She thinks of Holly’s words: <em>‘if someone makes you happy, maybe you should keep them in your life’</em>. She doesn’t know if Derek makes her happy.</p><p>She just knows that he makes her feel like herself. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Two days later there’s a knock at her door and there’s Derek. He’s holding two coffee cups and has his backpack slung over his shoulder.</p><p>“I’m about to fail Cinematography Theory.”</p><p>She grabs one of the cups, “Come in.”</p><p>“Is Holly in?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. </p><p>They make their way into her room, and she rolls her eyes. “You’re a pig. She’s in class.”</p><p>“Well that’s just too bad.”</p><p>Casey settles herself on her bed, and Derek drops his bag unceremoniously beside her while he looks around her room.</p><p>“Derek, I swear to god, I’m not going to study for you, so you better come sit – “</p><p>Derek cuts her off, “This has more color than usual.”</p><p>He’s staring at her study plan pinned on the wall above her desk.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“This… organizing schedule thingy.” Derek points his finger towards it, “It’s way more booked than usual.”</p><p>Casey looks away from him, “Well, university is different from high school.”</p><p>“When do you even sleep?”</p><p>Casey can feel herself begin to blush, uncomfortable.</p><p>“Casey? Are you sleeping?”</p><p>She doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so interested in her life, so she counters back, remembering the bags under his own eyes. “Are you?”</p><p>Derek ignores her, “You know, I noticed you looked like crap. Well, crappier than usual.”</p><p>“You don’t look so hot yourself.”</p><p>He raises an eyebrow and smirks irritatingly, “You think I’m hot?”</p><p>Casey throws a pillow at his head and he dodges it easily, laughing. “Okay so, I’ve been kind of in a funk for a while, but I’m getting everything back on track.”</p><p>Derek furrows his eyebrows in confusion, “What do you mean?”</p><p>She sighs, “Ugh, look. Long story short, I’ve been kind of crazy and failed a few exams.”</p><p>“What!?” Derek exclaims, shocked.</p><p>“I have it under control now.”</p><p>Derek searches her face skeptically, “Why aren’t you freaking out?”</p><p>“I already did, I got over it.” <em>(Sort of)</em>.</p><p>He shakes his head, the frown still on his face, “But if it was that bad, why didn’t you…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>Awkward silence falls between them.</p><p>“Also, I broke up with Truman.”</p><p>Derek’s eyes snap back to her, eyebrows rising. “Well, I can’t say anyone’s going to miss him.”</p><p>Casey narrows her eyes at him, “<em>You</em> were the one who got him to go to prom with me.”</p><p>“The idea was never for you to actually <em>date</em> the guy!” Derek raises his voice defensively. </p><p>“I don’t want to talk about this, can we just get on with studying?”</p><p>Derek quietly agrees, and he sits beside her. They study all afternoon, and it actually reminds Casey of that time when she helped him study for his grade 12 exams. It’s a pleasantly familiar feeling.</p><p>“So… How have you been?” she asks him some time in the late afternoon.</p><p>“Better than you, apparently.”</p><p>“How’s hockey?”</p><p>“There’s a match on Saturday actually,” Derek says, “You should come be my cheerleader.”</p><p>She raises an eyebrow at him, “I thought you said I was bad luck.”</p><p>Derek smirks, “Oh, that you are. But I’m not playing, so you can’t hurt me.”</p><p>“What do you mean you’re not playing?”</p><p>“Freshmen players don’t start right away.”</p><p>Casey fake gasps, taking one hand dramatically to her heart. “You mean to tell me they didn’t make you team captain the moment they saw your fine skills on the ice?”</p><p>Derek’s mouth twitches the way it does when he’s trying not to laugh and give her credit when he thinks she’s being funny, and Casey’s heart tugs proudly. “I was surprised myself.”</p><p>“Why would I want to go if you’re not even playing?”</p><p>“To show support to your dear step-brother!”</p><p>“Oh, how didn’t I think of that?”</p><p>The lock of the front door rattles and Holly steps into the apartment.</p><p>“Hey, Case!” She calls.</p><p>Casey narrows her eyes at Derek, “Behave yourself.”</p><p>Derek smiles maliciously back at her.</p><p>“I’m actually off, thanks for the help, Space Case.”  </p><p>Derek grabs his stuff and heads for the door, shooting a flirty smile towards Holly on the way out.</p><p>Holly turns to her with wide eyes, “My, who was <em>that</em>?”</p><p>Casey grins despite herself, “That was Derek Venturi.”</p><p>“<em>That</em> was Derek?” Holly exclaims, “The guy who’s supposed to be your brother?”</p><p>“Step-brother.”</p><p>“Why does your mother hate you?” Holly asks absentmindedly. </p><p>Casey sighs. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey ends up going to Derek’s game on Saturday and she takes Holly with her as moral support. He doesn’t play, but he looks up once from the bench and sees her, and smiles an actual smile.</p><p>After the match, they wait for him in the parking lot and he takes them to eat pizza with the hockey team. Derek introduces her as ‘Casey’, and she tries not to dwell too much on the fact that he didn’t mention that they’re step siblings. </p><p>Holly gets along pretty well with Parker, one of Derek’s teammates, and spends the night talking to him. She expects Derek to ditch her too, but he stays by her side all through dinner, and Casey finds she really likes the hockey team.</p><p>After that, Derek and Casey start seeing a lot of each other. Casey often helps him study, or she goes over to his dorm to hang out and pick a fight. Derek starts pranking her again, just little things that are mostly inconvenient and not actually hurtful. Their dynamic feels like it is back to normal, how it was back in London. But it also feels different now.</p><p>Before, it sometimes felt like they were following a script; their fights, and constant antagonism, and all the competition. They still do all of those things, but now it feels more lighthearted, like there is not an ultimate goal of winning, or being the alpha dog in the house. Casey thinks they are just having fun, learning to lean on each other like normal people, almost like friends.</p><p>She also starts to go out with Holly a lot. Her roommate introduces her to friends, and some of them are weird, but they are all nice, and Casey feels like she fits in. She starts talking more to the people she shares classes with, makes plans to study with them, and ends up making friends of her own. </p><p>Sometimes, she even hangs out with Derek and Holly at the same time. Derek really likes Holly. At first, Casey thought it was because he wanted to get inside her pants, but then she discovered it is actually because she reminds him of Ralph. Derek finds Holly hilarious, and Holly likes him too, even though Holly likes everyone really.</p><p>“You sound different honey,” her mom tells her over the phone one day, “Happier.”</p><p>“I feel happier mom, the first few months here were a little rough, but I feel like I’m finally finding my place.”</p><p>“We just miss you guys so much; you both should come visit us for a weekend or something.”</p><p>Casey considers this, “Well, the semester is about to end and Derek and I both have exams coming up, but after that I think we could go for like a week.”</p><p>Her mother’s voice raises joyfully, “Oh that would be wonderful.”</p><p>Derek, Casey and Holly finish up their exams. They all do well, but Derek almost fails Literature. </p><p>“I don’t even get why I have to take Literature,” he says as he puts sugar in his coffee cup, “I’m going to be a director, not a freaking writer.”</p><p>The three of them are lounging in the coffee shop Casey likes so much, celebrating the end of the semester.</p><p>Casey scrunches up her nose, “Derek, learning about Literature is important for everyone, not just writers. It would probably help you with your storytelling.”</p><p>“I already am an awesome storyteller.”</p><p>Casey remembers their home movie project and snorts, but doesn’t contradict him. </p><p>“I actually know a guy who took that class with the same professor as you last year,” Holly says thoughtfully, “He slept with her and she gave him a passing grade. Maybe you should sleep with her too so that she boosts your grade up.”</p><p>Derek covers Casey’s ears, “Shh, Holly! I wouldn’t want to hurt Casey’s virginal sensibilities.”</p><p>Casey abruptly tenses up and Derek looks at her weirdly.</p><p>“Ohh, Parker!” Holly attracts their attention towards the front of the coffee house, where Derek’s teammate and Holly’s kind-of-boyfriend is standing. “See you in a week, guys. Good luck on your trip, don’t fight too much!”</p><p>Casey turns to Derek after Holly and Parker leave.</p><p>“So, what time are we leaving?”</p><p>“I’d say in about, three hours. So go do all your provisional packing or whatever and be ready, I don’t feel like driving at night.”</p><p>Casey rolls her eyes, “If it bothers you so much, then let <em>me</em> drive.”</p><p>Derek snorts, “Yeah, right. I would like to see Marti one last time before I die, Spacey.”</p><p>“I taught you how to drive you jerk!” she throws a napkin at him. </p><p>Derek laughs and gets up from his seat, stretching his arms over his head. His shirt rides up a little, exposing his abdomen.</p><p>“Shall we go then?” Casey snaps her gaze up to his face, feeling caught. He smirks at her knowingly, but he doesn’t say anything. </p><p>“Y-yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>They go to London, and it’s like she’s travelled months to the past. Everything is the same, and being around her big loud family again envelopes Casey with a comforting sense of warmth. She breathes her home in, drowns in hugs and kisses and <em>‘Welcome Home’s.</em> </p><p>Edwin is the same height as her now, and she laughs when she sees Derek’s eyes widen in trepidation out the corner of her eye and makes a mental note to tease him about it later. Lizzie also looks more grown up, and absolutely beautiful with streaks of purple in her hair. “I chose the color!” yells Marti, who hasn’t let go of Derek since they entered their home.</p><p>Her mother is glowing radiantly, her pregnant belly bigger now, only two months away from the due date. Casey hugs her and melts against her, she had missed this so much, and she hadn’t even fully realized it. </p><p>They all catch up in the kitchen while George cooks dinner, when he realizes they are out of a few ingredients. Casey offers to go to the grocery store, eager to be helpful after so many months away from home, and George tells Derek to go with her. He agrees with only minimal protesting.</p><p>They are standing at the checkout line when Casey remembers Derek’s reaction to Edwin’s height from before.</p><p>“So, getting scared that your little brother will soon be able to beat you up himself, are we?” she taunts him.</p><p>Derek snorts and shakes his head, “Casey, Casey, Casey. When you have efficiently oppressed someone all his life, they won’t even consider rebelling, even if they are a hundred against just one.”</p><p>“You do realize you are a sociopath, don’t you?” Casey asks, amusedly.</p><p>She feels a gentle tug on her hair and turns around, startled. Standing in line behind them, a distracted lady is holding a baby. The little boy looks at her with wide eyes, a little scared at her sharp turn. Casey immediately smiles at him reassuringly, but the baby still looks wary.</p><p>Then, Derek grabs the baby’s hand with a gentleness Casey didn’t know he was capable of, and slowly disentangles the toddler’s little fingers from her hair. He makes a face to the baby, who promptly bursts out laughing. </p><p>Derek has always been good with kids; they all seem to naturally adore him. Casey had always secretly liked that quality of his, it made him seem more human and approachable.

The baby’s mother finally notices the exchange and smiles sheepishly at them. </p><p>“Sorry, he likes pretty, long hair,” She says.</p><p>“It’s alright.” Casey smiles back.</p><p>They checkout and make their way back towards the car.</p><p>Casey turns to Derek, “I actually like seeing you with kids. You let your guard down. It’s cute,” She teases him.</p><p>Instead of sputtering, and denying, and telling her about all the reasons why he’s <em>so not cute</em> like she had expected him to do, Derek actually smirks.</p><p>“I know. You get all starry eyed.”</p><p>Casey’s jaw drops and she halts in the middle of the store’s parking lot, feeling her face grow hot instantly. </p><p>“W-what? No I don’t!”</p><p>Derek laughs and pinches her nose, “Yeah, you do. You make that puppy face.”</p><p>Casey harrumphs and Derek only laughs louder, ruffling her hair and –</p><p>Wait.</p><p>Is he… are they… is this flirting? </p><p>Derek is looking at her with that arrogant smile she knows so well. She had seen him use it with countless girls before, and she can tell that he’s turned up the charm tenfold. </p><p>He steps into her space, and lowers his voice. “Just admit it Case, you know it’s true.”</p><p>She looks up at him, mesmerized. He’s so close; she can actually see his freckles and the golden specks in his brown eyes. She had always found him attractive – she has a <em>pulse</em>, but she had never found herself in this position before. She feels trapped by his presence, but finds that she doesn’t want to leave.</p><p><em>If I lean in just a little, I could kiss him.</em> </p><p>The thought startles her so much that she sucks in her air a little too sharply. Derek notices and pulls away, a little self consciously. He clears his throat, “We should go.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>After that exchange, things get mostly back to normal, although she can tell there is a new tension around them. The rest of the week passes in a blur, and before she knows it they’re back in Kingston, starting the new semester. </p><p>Time passes, Casey keeps moving forward. Classes this semester are easier than the first one, she feels more organized and confident. She starts dancing in a studio downtown that she had discovered when she mysteriously found a pamphlet about it that<em> someone</em> had put in her backpack. </p><p>She and Derek still have this pseudo-friendship thing going on, and Casey feels very comfortable for the most part. There are awkward moments though, when the tension sparkles around them like electricity. Sometimes, she could swear he’s actually flirting with her.</p><p>They had always kind of flirted. She’s not stupid, she had gone to kindergarten, and she knows the pulling pigtails move. But this feels different. Less antagonistic, and more like… normal people flirting. And it scares her.</p><p>One night she’s at his dorm, and they are watching a movie. They fall asleep, and she wakes up with her head on his shoulder. He has an arm wrapped loosely around her frame, and her heart starts wrecking havoc inside her chest.</p><p>She ponders for a moment what she should do. It’s like her entire being wants her to let her head fall back against him and close her eyes, but she can’t. They can’t do this.</p><p>So she quietly gets up, trying to keep her klutziness to a minimum, and sneaks out of his apartment. Her heartbeat is still pounding in her ears as she walks back to her own dorm.</p><p>When she gets home, Lizzie sends her a text that says <em>‘we miss u’</em> and has an image attached to it. It’s a picture of her mom and Marti, the 9 year old girl with her arms around Nora’s pregnant belly. It’s a beautiful photo, and Casey feels guilty about the wave of nausea it provokes. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>On a Wednesday, after spending all day in her dorm studying, Casey is officially bored. Holly goes out with some friends they don’t share. She hasn’t seen Derek in a week, since he had booby trapped her entire room and she had screamed his ears off, so she changes out of her sweats and goes over to his dorm, planning on nagging and annoying him as payback. </p><p>It ends up being the other way around though, Derek acts more insufferable than ever, mocking her relentlessly the entire evening, managing to get her to make his bed and do his laundry in the process, and making her wonder why she even bothered to get him back into her life in the first place.</p><p>She ends up closing her eyes and counting to ten inwardly, gathering strength so as not to kill him. When she opens them, Derek is looking at her intently.</p><p>“What?” she snaps.</p><p>“Are you going somewhere? Afterwards?”</p><p>It’s almost 11 pm, and the question is so random that she’s taken aback, her previous annoyance forgotten, “No, why?”</p><p>He keeps looking at her with a strange expression on his face, searching her eyes. A beat passes. “No reason.”</p><p>It’s not until later, when she’s back in her dorm and wiping her makeup off her face to go to bed, that she realizes she’s wearing sparkly blue eye shadow. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>It’s Thursday and Holly has been nagging Casey all afternoon about going down to Tino’s bar.</p><p>“I’m sorry Holls, I have class in the morning, but we can go tomorrow!” she tries to sound cheery, but Holly only rolls her eyes at her.</p><p>“Boo, so boring. Come on Case, they have Happy Hour all day today! It’s a Happy Day!”</p><p>Casey eyes her friend critically, “And that’s why we should get drunk on a Thursday,” she says, flatly.</p><p>“Nobody said anything about getting drunk, but that’s the spirit, girl!”</p><p>It takes some hours until Casey finally caves (Holly is one of the most stubborn people she’s ever met) and they end up at Tino’s bar, which is bursting with college kids.  </p><p>On her way to the bathroom, Casey bumps straight into a strong chest.</p><p>“Oh, I’m so sorry!”</p><p>“Casey?”</p><p>Casey looks up at the handsome boy questioningly; she takes in his shaggy black hair and bright green eyes, and gets suddenly hit with the urge to run. <em>“Anthony!?”</em> </p><p>The boy smiles charmingly. <em>Oh no.</em> “What are you doing here? D-didn’t you transfer?”</p><p>Anthony looks taken aback by the accusation in her tone, but recovers with a warm smile that makes her knees a little weak. “I did. I’m in Kingston to see my parents, and I thought I’d reunite with some of my buddies from Queens while I’m visiting.” He steps closer to her, still smiling flirtatiously, “Is that a problem?”</p><p>“Um.” <em>Yes. Disappear.</em></p><p>Suddenly, a leather clad arm drops around her shoulders and she’s enveloped by a familiar scent. </p><p>
  <em>Oh god, please no.</em>
</p><p>Derek.</p><p>“Hey Tony, be careful with this one buddy, she’s accident prone and this place is full of sharp objects.”</p><p>Casey feels cold dread creep up her spine. <em>Of course</em> Anthony would come back to Queen’s. <em>Of course</em> she would run into him at the scene of the crime. <em>Of course</em> Derek would be there too. <em>Of course</em> they would be freaking <em>buddies</em>.  </p><p>Because when does life ever make it easy for her?	</p><p>“Hey D, you know Casey?” Anthony looks between them suspiciously. </p><p>Before Derek has a chance to respond, she jumps. “Derek is my step-<em>brother</em>!”</p><p>Derek removes his arm from around her and looks at her weirdly, because it’s probably the first time in her life that she has ever made emphasis on the <em>‘brother’</em> part and not the <em>‘step’</em> part, but she needs Anthony to understand that there is <em>no way in hell</em> that telling Derek how they know each other is a good idea. </p><p>Anthony seems to get it immediately, and blanches. “O-oh heh, t-that’s, um…”</p><p>“How do <em>you</em> know Klutzilla here, Tony?”</p><p>“I just met her!”</p><p>“The library!”</p><p>Casey and Tony look at each other bewildered, and Derek raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”</p><p>Tony looks at his watch and starts backing away from them hurriedly, “O-Oh, would you look at that? I actually have to get going back to my parent’s place, but it was cool catching up, bro. Bye, Casey!” and then he bolts out of sight. </p><p>Casey’s sigh of relief is short lived.</p><p>Derek turns to her, “Whatever did you do to the poor guy to have him running away from you like that?”</p><p>“N-nothing, I don’t even really know him!”</p><p>He narrows his eyes at her, “But you <em>do</em> know him.”</p><p>Just then, Holly comes up to them, “Hey, Derek!” </p><p>“Hey, Holly. How did you get Ms. Uptight Pants over here to get out of the dorm on a Thursday night?”</p><p>Holly laughs and waves her hand dismissively, “I have my ways.” She turns to Casey, “Hey, who was that guy you were just talking to? He looks <em>really</em> familiar.”</p><p>“Does he now?” Derek says tauntingly.</p><p>“No, he doesn’t!” Casey says desperately. </p><p>Derek gets an evil glint in his eye, “Casey actually knows him Holls, I’m sure you can remember where from. It’s probably embarrassing.”</p><p>Casey panics, because even though Holly always has the best intentions, she has an absolute inability to read a room, and there is no way Casey can communicate to her to <em>shut up, do not tell Derek who Anthony is!</em></p><p>“Mmm.” Holly taps her finger against her chin in thought, oblivious to Casey’s wide eyed expression. “Oh! Is he the guy you accidentally pushed into the fountain?”</p><p>Derek cracks up and Casey takes the opportunity, “Y-yes! That’s him, so embarrassing, ha-ha.”</p><p>Derek watches her face, unimpressed, “World’s. Shittiest. Liar. That’s not it Holly, keep thinking. Where’s your table?”</p><p>Holly and Derek start moving towards the girls’ table while Holly keeps thinking, “Was it the guy you dropped your lunch on last month?”</p><p>They sit at the table and Casey tries her damnest to distract Derek out of the subject, while trying to kick Holly under the table to get her to shut up, but all she gets is, “Case, you keep kicking me, you should get that reflex checked out, it could be a nervous tick.” Which makes Derek burst into laughter.</p><p>So she keeps embarrassing Casey all night, randomly bursting with a bunch of different scenarios in which she had managed to make a total fool of herself in front of guys. It’s an alarmingly high number of scenarios. Casey is mortified and nervous as hell, but Derek seems to be having the time of his life.</p><p>Suddenly, Derek pipes up, “You know Holly, this guy actually transferred out of Queen’s a couple of months ago, so you probably want to think way back. His name is Anthony, by the way.” He eyes Casey challengingly. </p><p>Holly frowns and gets this ‘deep in thought’ look on her face, one she doesn’t sport too often, and Casey starts sweating.</p><p>Holly is terrible with people’s names and faces. She gets Edwin, Lizzie and Marti mixed up all the time and Casey actually had to introduce her to Derek three times before she caught on about who he was. But the clues Derek had given her were very specific. And the Anthony incident was <em>huge</em>, and kind of important in their friendship timeline, so it was probably only a matter of time before she figured it out. Casey just had to keep distracting Derek, hoping he would eventually get bored of hanging around them and go look for his own friends instead.</p><p>Casey turns to Derek, “So, how was practice today?”</p><p>He lifts an eyebrow, amused by her attempt to diverge the conversation, but humors her anyway. “It was good, Case. Coach is keeping a close eye on me. I think I might start soon.”</p><p>He gets this luminous, pure look in his eyes, like he’s proud of himself, like he’s excited to tell her and he wants her to be proud of him too. </p><p>Her heart fills up with an emotion all too familiar now, one that she has felt a few times before, when Derek did the unusual nice thing for her. An emotion that is mostly associated with him at this point.</p><p>She smiles warmly, sincerely at him. “That’s so great, D.”</p><p>She says it with all the honesty she can muster, means it with all her heart, and she sees the chocolate in his eyes melt, his gaze boring into hers.</p><p>She blushes and looks away, and Derek clears his throat and takes a sip from his drink.</p><p>And it is at that moment that Holly slaps the table triumphantly, making Casey gulp and Derek smirk around the rim of his glass. “Oh my <em>god</em>, Casey! That’s the guy you banged in the bathroom!”</p><p>It’s like a record scratch; Derek spits out his beer all over Casey’s face and the front of her shirt. </p><p>“De-rek!”</p><p>Their eyes lock and suddenly, the rest of the world blurs around her. She can’t read the look on his face. There’s so much going on behind his eyes, a swirl of emotions she can’t identify. </p><p>Casey had half expected Derek not to believe Holly. She knows that in his mind he sees her as ‘virginal Casey’, and she doesn’t know what her face is giving away right now, but the mildly horrified and incredulous look on his own tells her that he knows it’s true.</p><p>She wants to say something, for him to stop looking at her like that. There is an oppressive feeling in her gut, eating at her the way guilt does. The feeling of hurting someone you care about, the dread of not being able to take it back. </p><p>She can’t say anything though; Derek’s intense stare has her petrified, and he is not moving a muscle either, his entire frame pulled taut, like he wants to bolt but just can’t break away from her gaze.</p><p>“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry,” Holly says, breaking through the fog in Casey’s brain, “I totally forgot that this is your <em>brother</em>, he obviously doesn’t want to know about <em>that</em>.” </p><p>And <em>god</em>, if resisting the urge to <em>cringe</em> could kill you, Casey would be dropping dead right this second. </p><p>Holly’s statement seems to finally break Derek out of his trance, he averts his eyes and his face looks a little green in the dim lighting. He pushes away from the table and heads straight for the exit. </p><p>“Derek…” Casey calls weakly after him. He doesn’t stop walking. </p><p>Holly hands her a napkin, a sheepish look on her face, “Sorry, that was awkward.”</p><p>Casey wipes her face mechanically; eyes still on the spot Derek had been sitting on seconds ago.</p><p>“He seemed like, really upset though,” Holly says, a confused frown on her face. Casey bolts out of the chair and rushes after him.</p><p>She finds him outside, bent over with his hands on his knees. </p><p>“Derek?”</p><p>He straightens up immediately and faces her, his expression totally composed. </p><p>She clears her throat, “Are you leaving?”</p><p>“Yeah, I forgot I had somewhere else to be, less lame people to hang around. See ya, Spacey.” He starts walking away, and he seems completely normal and ready to forget about what he heard inside, even though it obviously freaked him out. And this is a good thing, so she has <em>no idea</em> why she blurts – </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh my god, please keep walking.</em>
</p><p>He stops dead in his tracks. </p><p><em>Oh shit.</em> </p><p>He turns around and narrows his eyes at her, “And what <em>exactly</em> are you sorry for?”</p><p>What <em>is</em> she sorry for? She didn’t do anything wrong, doesn’t owe him any explanations about her actions, however out of character they may seem. </p><p>“I didn’t know he was your friend.”</p><p>And damn it, what is this freaking <em>guilt</em>? She didn’t do anything to him! The air is so charged and chilly around them. She feels like she just stepped into the Twilight Zone. What the fuck. </p><p>Derek scoffs out a laugh, it’s dry and humorless and nothing like his usually boisterous one, “Guess we’re even now.”</p><p>It’s like the air has been knocked out of her. And he’s lying, he has to be lying because…</p><p>Because if Derek and Emily had slept together, Emily would have told her.</p><p>Right? </p><p><em>‘I mean if that’s what you</em> really <em>want to do, I can’t stop you.'</em></p><p>Right.</p><p>Something must have been obvious on her face, because she can see the exact moment when he regrets it. He takes a step forward, “Case…”</p><p>She takes a step back. Whatever guilt she felt before isn’t there anymore. She turns around and reenters the bar. He doesn’t follow her in. </p><p>She finds Holly and convinces her to leave early. Her friend pesters her with questions the entire way to their apartment, but Casey just shakes her head and continuously claims she just has a headache. </p><p>They get back to their dorm and get ready for bed. Casey grabs her phone so she can set her alarms for the next morning and there is a text from Emily shining on the screen.</p><p>Casey deletes it and goes to sleep. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>The next day she is fuming all through class. She can barely pay attention to the lessons and keeps looking at the clock, willing it to get to 2:00 pm so she can leave and continue to sulk in her dorm.</p><p>She’s walking through the quad, not really looking where she’s going – What else is new? When she runs right into a now familiar chest.</p><p>“We have to stop meeting like this.”</p><p>“Yeah, no kidding,” Anthony says, and he sounds quite annoyed, actually.</p><p>Casey’s about to tell him that he’s bumped into her the same amount of times that she has bumped into him, when she notices the nasty bruise around his left eye, which had definitely not been there the night before. </p><p>“What happened to your face!?”</p><p>He laughs humorlessly, “I ran into your brother this morning. Thanks for telling him, by the way.”</p><p>“<em>Derek?</em> You got into a fight with Derek?” </p><p>Tony runs a hand through his hair, “It wasn’t much of a fight, more like a one punch kinda thing. Could have been a lot worse, I had it coming after all.”</p><p>“What? You just let him hit you?” she asks incredulously, “<em>Why</em> did he hit you?”</p><p>“Let’s just say that if <em>I</em> found out one of my friends slept with my sister, and had previously bragged to me about it, I would have done a <em>lot</em> more than just punch him. So yeah, I let him hit me.”</p><p>There is so much <em>wrong</em> within that sentence that she can’t even begin to dissect it.</p><p>“<em>What!?</em>”</p><p>Tony sighs, “Ugh, look Casey, I’m really sorry. This will most definitely make <em>you</em> punch me. But last night before we went to the bar, I told Derek I had been with a girl there in the bathroom, no names or anything, how the hell was I supposed to know it was his sister?”</p><p>“Step-sister,” Casey says through gritted teeth, “And?”</p><p>He winces, “And… I kind of told him how it went… with details.”</p><p>It’s like a piano being dropped on her fucking head because seriously, how the hell is this her life? Who the fuck do these things happen to?</p><p>And now she knows why Derek had that look on his face, of horrified realization. And why he hadn’t even questioned it. It’s because he <em>already knew</em> it was true. He knew a lot more than what Holly had told him.</p><p>And she knows guys are pigs and they all brag about conquests with their buddies – girls talk about what they do with guys too, if she is being completely honest. But… <em>details?</em> What kind of details? </p><p>“What did you tell him!?” she shrieks, horrified.</p><p>“I’m really trying to be a gentleman here.” Tony looks very uncomfortable. </p><p><em>God, why are men so freaking useless?</em> You can’t even trust them with disappearing like they said they would. They end up coming back and telling your step-brother all about your sexual performances. </p><p>She groans and stalks away, a woman on a mission, her previous desire of getting to her dorm vanishing in the form of a new destination: Derek’s dorm. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Derek opens the door.</p><p>“What is wrong with you!?” she barks at him.</p><p>“Right now? There’s a keener at my door and I have practice, so why don’t you just – “ He makes a shooing motion with his hands.</p><p>“You don’t have practice until six!”</p><p>“Thanks for the reminder, now leave.” He starts closing the door, but she puts her foot in before he can shut it. </p><p>She shoves him aside and enters the apartment.</p><p>“Why the fuck did you hit Tony?”</p><p>He raises his eyebrows, “And you curse now too? You know, I’m sure my friend Tony would appreciate your concern, but you’re not really supposed to get attached to one night stands.”</p><p>She rolls her eyes, “God, <em>shut up</em> Derek. That’s not why I care; I care because he told me you hit him because of me.”</p><p>He seems taken aback for a second before he shrugs, “Just some brotherly concern. A guy was bragging about screwing my sister, so I punched him, like a good <em>big brother.</em>”</p><p>“Step-brother,” Casey hisses.</p><p>He narrows his eyes, “<em>Same difference.</em>”</p><p>She reels back as if he had hit her. There is a new tension in the room, and even if he’s trying to hide it behind a façade, she can tell he's pissed off. </p><p>She should let it go as a passing comment. She really, <em>really</em> should. But it’s so obviously a direct attack that she just has to take the bait. </p><p>“Is <em>that</em> what this is about?” she asks slowly.</p><p>He falters for a second; obviously surprised she had risen up to the challenge, but smirks maliciously. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p><p>And now is <em>definitely</em> the time to drop this conversation and burry it deep into the ocean, no traces found. Still, she pushes, because he acted weird around her all summer, because maybe she hadn’t gone looking for him the first months at university, but neither had he.</p><p>“Oh, I think you do.”</p><p>She has seen Derek ready for a fight before, they fight all the time. But the look in his eyes is so intense; she realizes he’s been waiting for this particular one. She can feel how much he wants this as if it was her own desire. </p><p>He takes a couple of steps closer, making her step backwards, like he’s caging her in. “Reeeeally?” he drawls, “Then do remind me, sister dearest.”</p><p>She could, she could remind him. She could tell him that she thinks he’s angry at her because she said that there wasn’t a difference between him being her brother and her step-brother. She could tell him that she knows she disappointed him. That she knows she hurt him.</p><p>She could tell him that she knows there’s a difference, that she wants there to be a difference. That <em>that</em> difference is the only thing that lets her sleep at night, the only thing that keeps the guilt from consuming her every time they get too close, every time she lets herself wonder <em>what if</em>.</p><p>She could tell him that she’s tired of pretending, but they have to. </p><p>She could tell him so many things she <em>always</em> wanted to tell him.</p><p>But she can’t.</p><p>“<em>Anyway</em>,” she chokes out, changing the subject, “This is about you overstepping into my own personal business.”</p><p>The fire leaves Derek’s eyes, and she can tell he’s upset, that she has failed him somehow, again, but he’s not surprised. It breaks her bruised heart a little more. </p><p>He rolls his eyes, “Okay then, if it is about your <em>own personal business</em>, then I won’t overstep anymore. Consider me out of it.” He backs away from her and turns on his heels, making a beeline for his bedroom and tossing over his shoulder, “Fuck off, Case.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>They don’t see each other, they don’t text. Derek doesn’t sneak into her dorm to pull pranks on her or ask her to help him with his studies, and she doesn’t go to his hockey games or goes over to his dorm to nag him.</p><p>It’s like the start of first semester all over again, except this time there is an actual fight keeping them apart. But the subtext is still there. And it’s probably the same one as before.</p><p>Holly feels guilty about telling Derek about Anthony, saying it’s her fault that they’re fighting. But even though Casey is still a little annoyed with her, she doesn’t blame her. She knows the fight isn’t really about Tony. She doesn’t really know what it is about, though she has a few theories, but she doesn’t let herself dwell on them too much. </p><p>It’s been three weeks since the fight, and Casey is lying on her bed after giving up on studying for her exam. She can’t concentrate.</p><p>“Okay, you need to go make up with Derek,” Holly says from the doorway.</p><p>Casey snorts, “I have nothing to say to him.”</p><p>"You always have something to say to him."</p><p>Casey throws her hands in the air, “He’s the one who’s being childish, <em>not me!</em>”</p><p>Holly comes in and yanks the covers away from Casey’s body, ignoring her <em>‘Hey!’</em> of protest.</p><p>“Then <em>go tell him that</em>. Casey, you have an exam on Monday and you’re not studying, you’re obviously getting depressed. Go see him and yell at him, it will make you feel better!”</p><p>“I’m not getting depressed!”</p><p>“Yes you are! You need your Derek fix. Or else you’ll end up miserable like before!”</p><p>Casey thinks about those two months. How lonely she felt, when she didn’t have anyone. Now she has many friends, and Holly. She could live without Derek. But she knows she only started getting happy again once she got him back in her life. <em>I don’t want to lose him again.</em></p><p>She makes up her mind and gets up from the bed. She quickly puts her shoes on, and throws on the first coat she can find. </p><p>She rushes out of the apartment and Holly yells after her, “You’re leaving your cell phone!”</p><p>But she has already shut the door behind her. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Derek opens the door and frowns down at her, “It’s like you’re a fucking boomerang.”</p><p>She shoves him aside, “We have to sort this out.”</p><p>“No, we don’t.”</p><p>“Yeah, we do. I’m tired of this ‘not talking things out’ shit we do.” Casey whips around to face him, all geared up to fight, hands set on her hips.</p><p>“When have we ever talked shit out?”</p><p>“Never! But… friends figure their stuff out – “</p><p>He immediately cuts her off, “We’re not friends.”</p><p>“Yes we are!” she snaps, annoyed.</p><p>“Are not!”</p><p>“Are t – you know what? This could take a while.”</p><p>Derek opens the door again, “Yes, so save us the time and <em>leave.</em>”</p><p>Casey sets her foot down, “I’m not leaving.”</p><p>Derek drags his hands down his face, groaning in frustration and closing the door once more.</p><p>“Why the hell is it such a big deal to you if you know I slept with a guy?” Casey shouts, “Like you didn’t bring Sally, and Kendra, and whoever home while I was in the next room!”</p><p>Derek raises his eyebrows, “Oh, were you listening?”</p><p>“<em>De-rek!</em>”</p><p>He merely shrugs.</p><p>She remembers something else, “Oh! And let’s not forget about Emily! My <em>best friend.</em>”</p><p>Derek’s entire defensive demeanor changes and he cringes. “Okay, I kind of lied to you. I didn’t sleep with Emily.”</p><p>Casey’s shoulders slump involuntarily. She searches his face, and even though he’s the Lord of the Lies, she knows he’s telling the truth. She tries hard to shove back her relief, “What?”</p><p>“I never slept with Emily.” He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, “I just said that because I knew you wouldn’t like it. It was a low blow.”</p><p>Casey laughs hysterically, “Well, that’s rich. Thank you for your honesty now! It still doesn’t excuse your shitty behavior just because I slept with – “</p><p>Derek cuts her off again, “God, I <em>don’t care</em> who you sleep with! You can do whoever the fuck you want!”</p><p>“Then why are you so mad at me!?”</p><p>“I’m not mad at you!” he shouts, losing his cool, “I just need to get away from you!”</p><p>She flinches, “Why?”</p><p>“Because a guy is entitled to have some time away from his annoying step-sister every once in a while!”</p><p>It occurs to her now that Derek hadn’t actually seemed mad about the whole Tony thing. He was freaked out and uncomfortable, and maybe he needed time away from her to sort it out in his head. She wracks her brain for the actual reason, and suddenly it hits her, the moment Derek had actually shut her out. </p><p>It was when they brought up the kitchen conversation, and she had dismissed it. That conversation, the one that had created a wedge between them, the one that made him avoid her all summer, and the one that had caused them not to see each other in the first months at university.</p><p>She thinks it’s finally time, to clear the air, to get out from under the weight that has been hanging over them for months. She goes for it. </p><p>“I’m sorry!” </p><p>Derek looks at her like she’s insane, “What the hell are you sorry for now!?”</p><p>“The kitchen! Same difference? It’s bullshit.”</p><p>Derek reels back away from her. His eyebrows are about to disappear into his hairline and he tenses up completely.</p><p>A few seconds pass.</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Yes you do!” she screeches.</p><p>Derek steps back into her space, “Then <em>tell me!</em>”</p><p>Casey steps back away from him, “I can’t,” she says in a small voice, “I already apologized, what else do you want?”</p><p>Derek closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, “I want you to say what you want to say, or <em>stop. Bringing. It. Up.</em>”</p><p>Casey breathes out shakily, “But you admit that <em>that</em> is the problem.”</p><p>“Casey,” His voice wavers pleadingly.</p><p>“You <em>do</em>, don’t you?” she whispers. </p><p>“What do you think the problem is?” he whispers back.</p><p>“Derek…”</p><p>He shakes his head, “You can’t even say it.”</p><p>Seeing that kicked puppy look of deception is what it takes for the dam to finally break.</p><p>“Okay! You’re <em>not</em> my brother, happy? I never, <em>ever</em> saw you as my brother and never will.” She’s back to shouting, and he steps away from her again, bewildered. “And I don’t see you as my brother because there’s this,” she takes a shaky breath “<em>Thing</em>… between us. And it was driving me <em>insane</em>, and you were dating <em>Emily</em> and my mom is pregnant with our brother!”</p><p>Derek’s eyes are growing wider by the second, obviously shocked that she’s actually saying this, but everything is pouring out of her and she can’t stop the word vomit.</p><p>“And I didn’t talk to you the first few months because I was afraid of what would happen when we were finally alone, and I was <em>miserable</em>! Are you happy now? What else do you want Derek? Do you want me to call my mom and tell her?” Casey raises her voice hysterically, “‘Oh hi mom, I know you’re about to give birth to our brother, but could you maybe cancel it? Because I have feelings for Derek!’” she ends the sentence with a sob, and realizes the enormity of what she just said, sees it in Derek’s horrified face. She closes her eyes and a few tears fall, “I don’t know why you keep punishing me for being scared.”</p><p>Moments pass and the only thing that breaks the silence is her ragged breathing. Then, Derek’s arms are around her, squeezing her. Casey stiffens up entirely, and he buries his face in the crook of her neck. She’s waiting, terrified, because she doesn’t know what he’s doing or why he’s holding her. </p><p>It takes her another second to realize that this is a hug. Derek is hugging her.</p><p>“Shh,” he murmurs into her hair, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>And then Casey is <em>melting</em> against him. She brings her arms around his waist and breathes in his scent, a full body shudder shaking her. This is something she has always, <em>always</em> wanted, something she had nagged him for repeatedly, and he had never, <em>ever</em> willingly given to her.</p><p>“Oh,” she tells his chest, “That’s a hug.”</p><p>He chuckles softly, nervously, and she feels his frame vibrate against her. She tightens her arms around him.</p><p>“Yeah, I know.”</p><p>“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?”</p><p>Derek shivers, “’I don’t know why you keep punishing me for being scared.’” He quotes her.</p><p>She pulls away a little to look at him, surprised by his admission. His eyes are the softest she’s ever seen them and he’s looking at her intensely.</p><p>“Case,” he whispers. His hands travel from her back, up her arms, to cup her face. Her eyes fall involuntarily to his mouth, and Derek’s thumb runs softly across her bottom lip.</p><p>Her eyes begin to fall shut, and then Derek’s phone blasts from the coffee table, making them jump apart. </p><p>He goes to pick it up, looking shell shocked, never taking his eyes away from her.</p><p>“Hey Dad,” his voice sounds strained.</p><p>Derek’s expression turns somber as he locks eyes with her. She feels the dread like a weight in her stomach. </p><p>“Okay, I’ll tell her.” She can hear George’s frantic voice being cut off when Derek snaps the cell phone shut.</p><p>“Derek…” she trails off.</p><p>“Nora’s in labor.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, first of all, I'm so sorry for making Casey lose her virginity to Truman, please don't hate me, it was necessary. But I do believe what Holly said to Casey about sex to be true. I don't see Truman as an evil person, just a stupid, immature boy who does not deserve Casey.</p><p>This fic was originally supossed to be just a one shot, born from a scene in particular from this chapter, but when i sat down to write it down, this monster came out.</p><p>Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. Feel welcome to leave a review! </p><p>The next two chapters are mostly written, so I'll try to post them as soon as possible.</p><p>Thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. What You Want (And How to Get it)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is, the second chapter! I hope you enjoy it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They’ve been driving for two hours, and neither of them has said a single word in that entire time. Casey knows nothing will ever be the same, and that whatever truce they had been in before this afternoon is over now.</p><p>And she really doesn’t know if it’s all her fault. Sure, she had shot the elephant in the room, but Derek was the one who kept poking it. And it was probably going to come out eventually anyway.</p><p>She’s not sure what would have happened if they hadn’t been interrupted. Or maybe she does know, but <em>that</em> is out of the window anyway, and it keeps flying further and further away the closer they get to London. </p><p>It’s a weird feeling, having been just about to leap into the void and being stopped just a second before jumping. She feels as if she had been holding something precious between her hands, and that then it had just slipped right through her fingers.</p><p>The radio is on, but she doesn’t know what station is playing. They didn’t even fight on who got to choose the music – it is just there to fill the silence. </p><p>Derek’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel, and his eyes are set straight on the road.</p><p>Casey allows herself to look at his profile for the first time since getting in the car. His jaw is set straight, and he looks like he is all bound up in nervous energy. Again, she doesn’t know if that is solely on her. </p><p>A part of her wishes she could take it back. Wishes she could go back in time and never come out of her dorm, receiving the call from her own phone, making this silent trip without ever having admitted her feelings for him.</p><p>Another big part of her would use the time travel opportunity to go back to Derek’s dorm and turn off his phone before it rings, throw it out the window, set it on fire.</p><p>Suddenly, she realizes they’re slowing down. She looks at him questioningly but he still won’t look at her. </p><p>He pulls over, and gets out of the car without a word. She watches him pace a few meters away from the car and she averts her eyes. He does have a weak stomach. </p><p>She looks out of her own window instead, at the cars passing by. She wonders if after all of this they are ever going to go back to normal again. If they can find a way to ignore all this mess and come to terms with the fact that it’s never going to happen. A lump forms in her throat at the thought.</p><p>The driver’s door opens and Derek gets back inside. That was actually very fast, and she can tell just by looking at him that he didn’t puke after all. Maybe he just needed to go scream into the void. She wouldn’t judge. </p><p>“Did you get it all out?” she asks, anyway.</p><p>“No,” he says.</p><p>And then he kisses her. </p><p>She thinks it’s a good thing her brain just stopped working, if not she may go into cardiac arrest. </p><p>Casey stiffens for a second, but then Derek’s warm, soft lips start moving against hers and she’s gone. She brings her hands to his shoulders and then buries them in his hair, bringing him closer. She hasn’t unfastened her seatbelt so her movements are restricted, and Derek takes the hint and shuffles closer to her, one hand resting on her thigh and the other cupping her face.</p><p>She’s not surprised that Derek is a good kisser. No, that would be like getting stabbed and going, <em>‘Huh, that hurt’</em>. What surprises her is the utmost <em>tenderness</em> with which he’s holding her. The sweet, hesitant, almost reverent way his lips move against hers.</p><p>His hand shakes a little against her jaw and he pushes it into her hair, gently grasping the locks, eliciting a little moan out of her, which causes him to shiver against her. </p><p>Her stomach is doing somersaults, and she feels electrified all over, the feeling of his body against hers so addicting she thinks she could kiss him forever, that she wouldn’t complain one bit.</p><p>Their lungs do complain though, so they pull apart. </p><p>He rests his forehead against hers, eyes still closed. She lets herself take in his face like this, memorizes it, just in case they are never this close again.</p><p>“Derek,” she whispers, so low she’s not sure he’s going to realize she talked if not for her soft breath against his face.</p><p>“I just,” he says, just as quietly. “I wanted to do that. At least once.”</p><p>“I know,” she says.</p><p>He lets go of her hair and they both pull away, settling back on their own seats.</p><p>Her heart is still pounding away in her chest, and she breathes heavily as reality starts to sink in again. A couple of moments pass. Then Derek speaks, “You good?”</p><p>
  <em>I don’t think I’ll ever be good again.</em>
</p><p>“Yeah. Let’s go.”</p><p>And they get back on the road.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>By the time they get to the hospital, baby Simon Venturi is already born. Their whole family is in her mother’s hospital room, all crowded together in the minimum space. Nora, tired but brimming with happiness passes him to Casey, and all it takes is one look at her brother in her arms for her heart to immediately expand inside her chest.</p><p>It’s instant love. She’s only known this tiny human for 5 seconds and she’s already convinced that if anything were to happen to him, she would fight anyone. </p><p>“Oh my god, hi.” She whispers to him. Simon opens his blue eyes to look up at her, and she’s startled to realize he looks just like baby Lizzie when she was born and little Casey had held her for the first time. He’s beautiful, her brother. Casey’s eyes fill with tears.</p><p>Derek’s warm chest presses against her back when he leans over her shoulder to look at his new brother, her heartbeat fastens, and she fights the urge to lean back against him.</p><p>“That is one good looking baby,” he says, reaching a finger to caress Simon’s rosy cheek. “It must be the Venturi genes in him.”</p><p>“Everyone keeps saying he looks like me,” Lizzie says from her spot perched on a chair besides Nora’s bed. “I guess <em>I</em> am the most attractive member in the fam after all.”</p><p>Derek snorts, “Yeah right Liz, keep telling yourself that. Everybody knows who the real owner of that title is.”</p><p>Casey laughs and flicks her hand backwards to slap his chest, “Derek, please give the baby a few hours before you start talking about your greatness, you’ve already ruined Marti <em>and</em> Lizzie’s sense of humbleness.”</p><p>“Hey! My sense of humbleness is intact,” Lizzie complains.</p><p>“You know, it was quiet in here before you two showed up,” George says, rubbing his hands down his face tiredly. </p><p>Nora smiles, “There is never a dull moment with them.”</p><p>Casey would most definitely agree. </p><p>When her mother is able to leave the hospital they hold a little celebration party back at the house, just the eight of them. Simon is a heavy sleeper <em>(definitely a Venturi)</em>, so the living room is bursting with joy and their usual loudness.</p><p>Casey comes back from the kitchen with snacks, and takes in the scene of her family in front of her. They all look so incredibly happy. She thinks about what happened between her and Derek and her stomach twists painfully.</p><p>Derek joins her. It’s the first time they have been alone since the car, and just his mere quiet presence beside her is enough to have her short of breath. She can still feel his lips brushing against hers, his cold hands trembling against her face. </p><p>“So… back in the car,” he says, his gaze fixed on the party going on in the living room. </p><p>Casey doesn’t know what to say, so she just acknowledges him with an awkward “Yup.”</p><p>A few moments pass.</p><p>“Look, it was bound to happen eventually,” Derek says. </p><p>Casey thinks so too. It had been building up for a long time, just waiting for a moment, an opportunity in which  neither of them was going to run away, or clear their  throats, or get interrupted. </p><p>She turns to look at his profile, there’s a slight frown on his face.</p><p>“Do you regret it?” She asks.</p><p>Derek shifts his gaze towards her, “No. Do you?”</p><p>“No. I don’t,” she says sincerely, “I’m… glad it happened.”</p><p>Something shifts in Derek’s eyes, gone too quickly for her to analyze, and then he just nods and looks away again. </p><p>“It… probably shouldn’t happen again. Given the circumstances,” Casey says warily, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. </p><p>Derek sighs; they both look at their family, loud and happily chattering away, fawning over baby Simon sleeping peacefully in George’s arms. Even Marti is totally enamored. </p><p>“You’re probably right,” Derek says at last.</p><p>Casey feels tears threaten to come out and tries to control her breathing. Silence falls between them again. She’s about to walk away from him when he speaks up. </p><p>“Just. Don’t run away.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He looks at her solemnly, “Let’s not ignore each other. We did that already, and it was stupid.”</p><p>Casey finds herself nodding. No running this time. She can’t do that again.</p><p>“Yes, of course,” she says.</p><p>Derek smiles sadly at her and goes to join the family. Casey takes another moment to compose herself before doing the same.</p><p>At night, before going to bed, Casey calls Emily. </p><p>After the anger of thinking that she had slept with Derek and irrationally deleting her text, Casey had taken a couple of days to cool down and then realized that her best friend didn’t deserve that. There was no way Emily could know what it actually meant to Casey, and Casey was never going to let her know anyway, so ignoring her was stupid and petty. So she had called her and explained that she had been busy, and then quietly returned their communication back to normal. </p><p>Now knowing that Emily and Derek hadn’t actually slept together, she feels even guiltier. She just wants to hear her best friend’s voice and tell her about her baby brother being born. She wishes she could tell her about Derek and all the confusing stuff she’s feeling right now. But she can’t. Emily would never understand.<br/>
Casey really wishes there was anyone in the world who would ever understand. </p><p>So she closes her eyes, listens to Emily’s voice, tiredly talking away in her ear, imagines that she’s laying on the bed right beside her, and falls asleep. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>The drive back to Kingston is awkward, and this time they try to fill the silence with some pointless, innocent conversation. It’s not until Derek picks a fight over her taste in music that things get a little less tense. They get to Queen’s and go their separate ways. </p><p>A week passes. It’s normal. It’s not like they talked or saw each other every day before this whole thing happened, so there is no reason to believe that Derek is avoiding her. He could just be busy. They said they weren’t going to run. </p><p>It’s Thursday night, she’s studying on her bed and Holly is out. Derek is probably just getting out of hockey practice. Maybe she could just go over to his dorm and they could eat dinner together. Would that be weird? No, it wouldn’t. They have done that a million times before, in fact, it would be normal. And that’s how she wants to be with him, <em>normal</em>. </p><p>
  <em>We said we wouldn’t run.</em>
</p><p>Maybe she should call first, though. Just in case. </p><p>She’s reaching for her phone when her door rattles with obnoxious knocking. Her heart does a back flip because she just <em>knows</em> who that annoying knocker is. </p><p>She throws herself off her bed in a hurry and trips over her own feet trying to get out of her room. Then, she purposefully slows down her walking to get to the door. <em>Jesus, get a grip.</em></p><p>She wrenches the door open, “Hey, what – “</p><p>“I’m playing on Saturday,” Derek says, breathlessly.</p><p>“Oh! Oh my g – whoa!” </p><p>Derek steps forward and lifts her up by the waist, spinning her around and laughing. She’s a little dizzy and very startled when he puts her down, but joins in on his excited laughing anyway.</p><p>“Holy shit,” Derek says, smiling broadly. “Holy shit,” he says again, his face turning green. </p><p>She instinctively moves out of the way and Derek dashes for the bathroom, promptly emptying his guts in the toilet. </p><p>“Didn’t have much time to… stomach the news until now, huh?” she asks when he comes out. </p><p>She takes a moment to think about what that means. His first instinct was to come to her dorm and tell her. He didn’t even think of calling her. He didn’t even take the time to properly take in the news by himself.</p><p>He came straight to her. </p><p>“Shut up, it’s something I ate,” he says, grumpily.</p><p>“Sure,” she says, amusedly. </p><p>“You’re coming. Right?”  </p><p>Casey tries to ignore her hammering heart, “You sure you want me there? I mean if you <em>are</em> playing, then my bad luck <em>could</em> hurt you this time.”</p><p>He smiles lopsidedly, “I’m not scared anymore.”</p><p>She doesn’t know what to make of that statement, she thinks if she analyses it too much, she might actually develop a heart condition, so she just nods and says she’ll be there.</p><p>When Saturday comes, she goes to see him before the game. </p><p>“You’ll do fine. Just don’t trip over your own feet.”</p><p>He scoffs, “I’ll try my best to forget you’re there, I said I wasn’t scared, but a guy’s gotta be careful.”</p><p>He still looks very nervous, so she darts forward and kisses his cheek, lightening fast. He looks at her bewildered, and she can already feel her face getting red.</p><p>“They say it is good luck,” she breathes.</p><p>He smirks, “Good thing I’m very superstitious.”</p><p>Derek plays spectacularly. They only have him play for the last few minutes of the match and it’s already enough to show his skill and finesse on the ice. She can hear the people around her talking about how good the rookie is, and she’s not surprised to also hear comments on his attractiveness. </p><p>The name ‘Derek Venturi’ starts being whispered all around her, rising up in enthusiasm and admiration. And for the first time in her life, instead of annoying her, she feels the pride welling up inside her chest and about to make her burst. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>After the hockey game, Derek and Casey go back to their routine from the last few months, and Casey is surprised by how easy it all is.  They hang out, study, fight, go to parties, and hold negotiations and hostage exchanges over snacks and possessions, bribery and deceit included. The usual for them.</p><p>Her feelings don’t magically go away. If anything, she is even more aware of them now than she was before. But she’s so happy that they can have this. Derek acts absolutely normal and comfortable around her, doesn’t even acknowledge or gives hints of remembering what happened between them. And she wonders how he’s so natural about all this.</p><p>After all, Derek hadn’t said he had feelings for her. He had just acknowledged that there was something between them. She thinks that maybe he had finally gotten it out of his system. He had kissed her, enjoyed it, satisfied his curiosity and now he could move on and go back to normal.</p><p>And even if it hurts, knowing that Derek is so good at compartmentalizing while Casey is a mess and thinks about kissing him every single day, she is still relieved that they can at least have this. She has tried life without Derek, and <em>no thanks</em>, she’s not doing that again. So sing her right up for a lifetime of pining, it’s still better than nothing.</p><p>Still, it’s confusing. Those moments, the ones they used to have where they got caught up staring at each other, or got too close or awkwardly flirted are gone. Derek keeps a safe distance between them, never lets his guard down. And even if she tries to convince herself that this is what she wants, and what they need, she still can’t get rid of her feelings. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>The semester is about to end and finals are fast approaching. Amidst all the stress and craziness, Parker decides it’s a great idea to throw a party at his apartment outside campus. </p><p>Derek and Holly also think that this is a great idea, Casey not so much. </p><p>“Come on Space Case, you need to loosen up a little, it’ll be good for you,” Derek says from his place on the couch at the girls’ dorm. He’s already dressed for the party. Well, however it is that guys dress up for parties. Just dark jeans and his leather jacket. </p><p>Okay, he looks hot, she’s not about to lie to herself. </p><p>Holly’s still getting ready, but she voices her approval from the bathroom. </p><p>“Look, I really think going to a party is only going to <em>increase</em> my levels of stress,” she says, still in her pink bathrobe, crossing her arms over her chest.</p><p>“It’s funny,” Holly says, coming out of the bathroom. “She always argues but ends up caving anyway.”</p><p>Derek smirks, “That’s the beauty of arguing with Casey. It’s fun, and plus I always win.”</p><p>Casey, who was already halfway through to caving, scoffs indignantly. “You don’t <em>always</em> win.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do.”</p><p>And okay, she has to get away from that arrogant smile because it’s suddenly too hot in this living room. She rolls her eyes and goes back into her own room.</p><p>“I hope you’re getting dressed!” Holly yells after her.</p><p>“No, I’m not!”</p><p>Yeah, she is. </p><p>The party is fun, and Casey manages to forget about exams for a while and talk to some people. The guys from the hockey team are always a blast to be around, and somehow they all love her. They call her ‘Derek’s Casey’, which was weird at first, but lately it just makes her heart flutter happily. </p><p>She tries to lose Derek fast, because she might be okay with their current situation, but she’s definitely not in any kind of mood for seeing him flirt with other girls, so she drinks with Holly and dances all night. </p><p>She’s not much of a drinker, but she is a lightweight, so she can get drunk pretty fast with almost anything. And turns out she’s a fun drunk <em>(when she’s not having mental breakdowns)</em>. She laughs at everything, becomes highly social, and her brain filters completely vanish.</p><p>Holly disappears with Parker and Casey is alone for only 10 seconds when a guy comes up to her. She doesn’t really catch his name, maybe Robert of Alfred or something. Casey’s not really interested. He is attractive, but he’s not really all that charming. He actually gives Casey a bad feeling.</p><p>Suddenly, Derek appears right beside her. </p><p>“Get lost, Winters. She’s not going anywhere with you tonight,” he says, threateningly. </p><p>They guy, Robert/Alfred/Winters, rolls his eyes. “What’s wrong Venturi? Annoyed your girlfriend is flirting with other people?”</p><p>Derek steps towards him with his fists tightly clenched and Casey puts a hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“I swear I will fucking knock all your lights out, get out of here.”</p><p>Winters rises up his hands in surrender, “Whatever, dude.” And then he leaves.</p><p>“You know him?” Casey asks him. Maybe she should be angry that Derek just went all cavemen on a guy when she had no intentions of doing anything with him anyway, but she knows he had good intentions. Plus, she’s really drunk and not very argumentative at the moment.  </p><p>Derek nods darkly, “He’s an asshole.”</p><p>“Someone’s angry.” </p><p>“You have the shittiest taste in men,” Derek says, annoyed. </p><p>“Funny <em>you</em> would say that,” she says suggestively. </p><p>Derek turns to her with raised eyebrows, “Are you drunk?”</p><p>Casey chuckles, “Pretty fucking hammered.”</p><p>He sighs, looking around. “Where’s Holly?”</p><p>“With Parker.”</p><p>“Do you want to go home?”</p><p>Casey considers it for a second, then nods. “Yup. Take me home, Scrappy.” That gets a little snicker out of him.</p><p>They leave the party and get in The Prince, starting the trip back to campus. Derek is silent, but more relaxed than before. He took his jacket off and rolled up his shirt sleeves, exposing his forearms while he drives. His hair is slightly mused and he has a soft frown on his face, jaw a little clenched.</p><p>“You’re sooooo hot,” Casey whines, “It’s annoying.”</p><p>The car swerves. </p><p>“Shit, Casey.” Derek says, shooting a wide eyed look her way.</p><p>Casey laughs at his reaction. “Sorry,” she says, a little dreamily.</p><p>He just shakes his head and focuses all his attention on the road until they get to her dorm. </p><p>When they enter her room, Derek opens her drawer and takes some pajamas out, throwing them her way. She’s not fast enough to catch them and the top falls to the floor while the shorts stick to her face, making her laugh. </p><p>Derek closes the door to her room while she changes, and then he comes back with a glass of water for her.</p><p>“Okay party girl, my work here is done.”</p><p>“Stay,” she blurts out. </p><p>“…What?” Derek asks, uneasily. </p><p>Casey gets in the bed and presses herself against the wall, holding the covers up for him to enter too.</p><p>“Casey…” </p><p>“Come on,” she says, “I don’t want to be alone.”</p><p>He sighs and starts taking his shoes off. He hesitates at his pants for a second, but then quickly takes them off too. She has seen him in his underwear at least a hundred times before.</p><p>He gets in bed next to her and she drops the covers around them.</p><p>“You better have cut those witch talons you call toe nails. If you scratch me I’m pushing you off this tiny, pathetic bed.”</p><p>“There’s no space here for a bigger bed,” she declares.</p><p>“My bed is bigger,” he counters.</p><p>“Derek, your bed practically occupies your entire room.”</p><p>“What else do I need the space for? I don’t live with anybody else,” he says, smugly.</p><p>“Ugh, I hate you,” she says, jealously. She had always resented the fact that he had managed to get a single room and she hadn’t, although she actually likes living with Holly, and they are even planning on trying to match again for next year.</p><p>“What can I say?  Some people are just born this lucky,” he says, smiling devilishly.</p><p>They fall silent and stare at each other for a while in the dim light that filters through the window. Derek looks serious, and in her drunken state she lets herself shamelessly search his face, taking in every detail, her heart pounding with so much <em>want</em> that it hurts. Her eyes fall to his mouth, parted slightly, just centimeters away from hers. She remembers what those lips feel like.</p><p>“I really want to kiss you right now,” she whispers.</p><p>Derek shuts his eyes tightly and lets out a shaky breath. She’s a little afraid he’s going to leave, or that he’s going to get mad at her, but she’s still too drunk to worry too much about what she just admitted. </p><p>He opens his eyes again and stares at her for a second, his brown eyes almost black. Then he scoots closer to her, dropping a warm kiss against her forehead. She closes her eyes and sighs contentedly.</p><p>“Just go to sleep already, Princess.”</p><p>When she wakes up in the morning, he’s gone. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Finals are next week and studying becomes first priority. It’s almost 8 pm and she’s been in the library all day when someone drops down on the seat next to hers. </p><p>She looks up to see Derek. She hasn’t seen him since the night of the party, and she’s not really sure which parts of the night really happened and which parts she drunkenly dreamed. She sure hopes to god she hadn’t actually asked if she could kiss him.</p><p>Her feelings have been unruly like that lately, and she doesn’t know why they just won’t go away. She wants to be able to act nonchalant like Derek, but instead she’s just a mess. They are about to go home for the entire summer, and she seriously has no idea how the hell she’s going to cope with living with him again.</p><p>“What a surprise to find you here,” he says sarcastically. </p><p>“I’m surprised you even know where the library is,” she counters back. </p><p>Derek pulls a textbook out of his backpack. “I saw you through the window.”</p><p>“So you decided you would join me and study?”</p><p>“At least until I get bored, then I’ll just start annoying you until we leave and you buy me dinner.” he grins.</p><p>Casey snorts. Typical. </p><p>They get to studying, and she really must be going insane, because she can’t ignore his presence beside her at all. It’s like she’s hyper aware of him, softly breathing beside her. </p><p>She shifts in her seat, uncomfortable, pulls her hair up in a bun on top of her head, a few locks falling off.</p><p>Minutes tick by in the silent library, people leaving silently as the closing hour approaches. Derek starts tapping his pen against the table, the sound not helping her at all with her task of trying to forget he’s there.</p><p>She closes her book and turns to look at him.</p><p>He’s frowning down at the page in concentration, his chin resting on one hand, the fingers of the other now twirling the pen between them.</p><p>He seems to feel her stare. He looks up from the book and their eyes meet. He smiles slightly and reaches out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. And then she can’t stop herself from leaning in and kissing the corner of his mouth. </p><p>She feels him stiffen and pulls back immediately, mortified. Derek’s eyes are unreadable, and she has <em>definitely</em> crossed the line.</p><p>“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” She covers her face with her hands so she can get away from his intense stare, “I don’t know what came over me.”</p><p>“Casey.” He sounds angry, and she’s so fucking stupid, everything was okay and they had finally gone back to normal and she just had to go fuck it all up.</p><p>She gets up from the chair, her textbook in her hands. Avoiding his eyes, she grabs her bag and rushes out of the library.</p><p><em>Oh god, oh god.</em> She starts fast walking through the quad, and her breath is starting to come out very unevenly. She finds a bench and sits down, her heart pounding painfully. She rests her head on her hands and tries to calm down.</p><p>“We said we wouldn’t run.”</p><p>Casey snaps her head up to see Derek, standing in front of her with his hands in his pockets, looking down at her with a serious expression on his face. </p><p>Casey stands up, “I’m sorry, Derek. I know we said we wouldn’t do that again, I don’t know why I did it.”</p><p>He stares at her for a couple of moments.</p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>She looks at him warily, “Are you sure?”</p><p>He shrugs, “Look, I’m never going to complain if a pretty girl wants to kiss me.”</p><p>“You think I’m pretty?”</p><p>It’s a stupid question. She knows he must find her somewhat attractive, given everything that had happened. Still, being called pretty by Derek of all people is crazy to her, it does all sort of things to her already rapidly beating heart.</p><p>Derek reaches out and lets the back of his fingers caress her cheek softly. She shivers.</p><p>“I have eyes,” he says quietly. He drops his hand to his side. “Let’s go, I’ll walk you to your dorm.”</p><p>They walk in silence, Derek a few steps in front of her. She still feels so unbelievably stupid, like seriously the biggest idiot in the world. She was the one who said they shouldn’t kiss again, and then she goes and breaks her own rule? </p><p>The worst part is that she has no idea what he's thinking. She never knows what’s going on inside his head, because he never voices his feelings out loud. One day it’s going to drive her completely insane. </p><p>They reach her dorm building and they both go inside. </p><p>"Thanks," she says lamely when they get to her door. "Good night." </p><p>He just nods, still looking at her solemnly.</p><p>She's about to open the door when he grabs her wrist, making her turn back around to face him.</p><p>"You know, just for the sake of being even..." </p><p>"Wha –“</p><p>He crashes his mouth to hers, the force of the impact making her slam back against the door. </p><p>She responds immediately, hands grabbing the front of his shirt while his grab her hips, his body pressed heavily against hers. </p><p>He kisses her fervently, nothing like the unsure, sweet kiss in the car. This one is aggressive, and Casey puts all of her pent up frustration and desire in it, all the thoughts that have been driving her crazy these past months since they came back from London.</p><p>The doorknob is digging into her back and she's reaching her hand behind her to open the door, not having an endgame in sight, when the sound of someone clearing their throat registers in her brain. </p><p>Derek pulls away from her and they both turn around to stare at Holly, who is awkwardly standing in the hallway.</p><p>"Um. I was gonna let you finish," she says, "But I wasn't sure where exactly that was going and you guys are kind of blocking the door."</p><p>They both wordlessly move out of the way and Holly enters the apartment, shooting a significant look towards Casey before shutting the door behind her. </p><p>Derek rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and clears his throat. "So, yeah. Now we're even." His voice comes out all husky and his hair is a kiss ravished mess. Her knees buckle a little and she leans casually back against the door to hold herself up.</p><p>"Sure," she says. Although she doesn't really think that the peck from the library can exactly compare to <em>this</em> kiss at all.</p><p>"Well, goodnight." Derek says, and then he turns on his heels and disappears down the hallway.</p><p>The door opens behind her and she falls back inside her dorm, where Holly is staring at her wide eyed.</p><p>“Look, Holly –“</p><p>“Okay, I think you’re going to have to explain your relationship with Derek to me again.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey can barely sleep that night. There is no possibility to go back to normal again after <em>that</em> kiss, is there? Does she even <em>want</em> to go back to normal? </p><p>She goes through the motions, throws herself in exams and tries to concentrate only on that, and when the semester is finally over she will face Derek and figure out whatever it is they will do next.</p><p>And as it turns out, Derek pretends nothing ever happened. He sticks to their agreement from when Simon was born, the golden rule: <em>This can’t happen again and no running.</em></p><p>And she realizes that that is okay and the way to go, because soon they’re back in London, living with their whole family again, with the new addition of baby Simon.</p><p>Everything is mostly the same, except for the fact that their siblings are huge. Marti, Edwin and Lizzie are all very grown up and even Simon is a lot bigger now. It is like every time they come back to London to realize they have missed so much.</p><p>“The audacity of this kid,” Derek mutters under his breath when George comments on how Edwin is the same height as his older brother now. Just to test the waters, Derek orders him to go make him a sandwich. He does. All is right in the world.</p><p>Being in the same house again is weird, but it’s not like they are together every single moment of the day. They both get summer jobs. Casey at the local library three times a week, and Derek gets rehired at Smelly Nelly’s – only as a waiter this time. </p><p>Casey spends her free days hanging out with Emily, catching up with Lizzie and getting to know her littlest brother, who is the absolute cutest <em>(and loudest)</em> baby in the entire world. He still does look a lot like Lizzie, but Casey can see that there is a lot of Venturi in him too, like his reddish brown hair. She tries not to think too much about the fact that Derek has that exact same hair. </p><p>She also hangs out with Sam, Ralph and Derek too, along with Emily. There is no bad blood between Emily and Derek after their break up, but Casey can sense that there is a slight awkwardness in their interactions. </p><p>She has missed her friends so much, it’s very refreshing to see them all again. It also feels slightly different, everyone seems a little changed and more grown up now, but they all keep their same essence. Having Ralph around is a lot like being with Holly, so she gets along with him even better now, appreciating more his eccentricities and overall sweetness. </p><p>As for how Derek and Casey are acting now, it’s almost the same as in university, except for the fact that with their family around and her extreme awareness of her feelings for him, she’s slightly awkward around him when there are too many people around. She almost wishes they could go back to Queen’s already, where they can be themselves more freely, without worrying about what impression they are giving to outsiders.</p><p>“You and Derek seem… different,” Lizzie tells her one day. They are having a sister day at the mall (minus Marti, who is with Abby). </p><p>Casey measures her words carefully. “Well, we’re mostly still the same. We just grew up, I guess.”</p><p>Lizzie hums in approval, drinking her smoothie noisily, not really looking at her. She looks pensive and she’s slightly frowning.</p><p>“Have you ever…?” Her sister trails off.</p><p>Casey’s heart stops. Lizzie is a very perceptive person, and she knows Casey the best in the world. Well, aside from Derek. </p><p>“What?” Casey asks, her voice rising a little.</p><p>Lizzie turns to look at her full on, blue eyes inquisitive. Casey can do nothing but stare back, holding her breath, waiting for the search to be over.</p><p>“Nothing,” Lizzie says at last.</p><p>And normally, under any other circumstances, Casey would have asked what she meant, not resting until her sister tells her everything that she’s thinking, whatever is bothering her. But she’s legitimately scared of what Lizzie’s brain could come up with, so she lets it go. </p><p>Another day, she’s washing the dishes while her mother dries, both happy to spend time together after so much time apart. They talk about college and London, the family and Simon, and then they fall into the subject of Derek.</p><p>“I’m just so happy you two are getting along better now, and that you lean on each other at university,” her mother says, smiling sweetly.</p><p>Casey smiles back at her. “Yes, I’m happy about that too, mom.”</p><p>“I’m glad you’re finally acting like brother and sister.”</p><p>The last plate slips out of her grip and back into the sink, clattering noisily. She picks it up hastily, and hands it to Nora, who dries it and puts it away.</p><p>“Mom, Derek and I are not related. We’re not brother and sister,” Casey says, in a composed tone.</p><p>Her mom just smiles, and kisses her cheek before leaving the kitchen. </p><p>“You are in my eyes.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Time keeps moving forward, and the summer is mostly uneventful. One particularly hot night Casey comes out to the backyard after dinner. Crickets can be heard, the moist air sticks to her skin and the night sky looks like it’s been splintered with white paint, the stars shining brightly against black velvet.</p><p>It all feels very eerie and fairytale like, so she lowers herself to the ground and rests on her back, placidly closing her eyes. After some time she hears the sound of a car pulling up into the driveway and sees that Derek is coming back from his night shift. </p><p>“What are you doing laying there?” he asks. </p><p>“It’s peaceful.” She shrugs. </p><p>“You’re a freak.”</p><p>Then, he sits on the grass beside her and lies down next to her. </p><p>She stares at the night sky above them, counting the stars, hearing Derek’s soft breathing beside her. She feels lulled, and his voice brings her back to reality.</p><p>“Case. Can I ask about Tony?”</p><p>Just like that, Casey’s peace is completely shattered. </p><p>It’s not such a weird question. With their friendship maturing, they have started asking each other questions about the past; about actions and decisions taken, getting to know each other better. They mostly come up at random moments of quietness, when they are both comfortable and not fighting. </p><p>“Ugh, do we really have to talk about this?” she whines, irritated. </p><p>She has come to terms with the whole Anthony thing. It is over and done with, and she doesn’t feel any shame related to the incident, but she doesn’t like to dwell on it much. It feels like it happened in someone else’s life when she remembers it.</p><p>“No, we don’t.” Derek says resolutely. </p><p>An awkward silence falls between them, nothing like the peaceful one from before he had asked that question. Derek speaks up again.</p><p>“Look, it’s just. I’m <em>not</em> judging you,” he says with absolute clearness, “It’s just not something I thought you would do.”</p><p>Casey lets his words hang in the air for a second before answering. “Well, it’s not.”</p><p>Derek doesn’t say anything; he keeps his gaze on the sky, and patiently waits for her to elaborate. It’s something they’ve been doing lately. Calmly reaching for each other, waiting for the other to trust first, to speak if they want to, without pushing it.</p><p>Casey sighs and looks at his profile, “Look, I was in a shitty place. I felt like crap, I wasn’t myself at all. And I was so angry at myself and – and Truman, and… I was drunk.”</p><p>Derek tenses up immediately, “How drunk?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He sits up and looks down at her, his entire body pulled taut. “How drunk were you?”</p><p>She frowns up at him in confusion for a few seconds before she realizes what he’s implying. “Oh no, it’s not what you think, he didn’t like, take advantage of me. I wasn’t <em>that</em> drunk…” she cringes at the memory, “It was kind of my idea.”</p><p>Derek’s composure relaxes and he flops down beside her again. He covers his face with his hands, “Ew, I know. Don’t remind me, I’m still considering therapy or hypnosis to get that conversation out of my head forever.”</p><p>Casey snorts, “Sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t apologize.”</p><p>They fall silent again, the warm breeze ruffling Casey’s hair slightly. The calmness reinstalls itself upon them, and she’s about to fall asleep when Derek quietly starts speaking again.</p><p>“I just wish… that I had known. I used to think you were the one who would always have her shit together; I didn’t even think about how big of a change university was going to be, especially away from the fam. I guess I always saw you as someone… You know…” he trails off, looking for a word.</p><p>Casey thinks about how she never backed down from any challenge Derek threw her way, how he never held back on pranks or playing dirty because he knew she would rise up to the occasion and meet him halfway with the same amount of deviousness every single time. </p><p>“Invincible?” she offers. </p><p>Derek scoffs, “More like ‘indestructible’ or ‘unkillable’. You know, in a cockroach kind of way.”</p><p>Casey snorts again, refraining from mentioning how ‘unkillable’ is not a word. She knows a backhanded compliment from Derek when she hears one. She’ll take it. </p><p>Another couple of moments pass without a word. </p><p>“I just wish I had been there,” Derek admits, almost to himself. </p><p>Casey shifts to lie on her side and takes in the sight of him, staring up at the sky with a frown, looking pensive. She still finds him so damn beautiful with his face all screwed up like that, it makes her heart ache. </p><p>“It’s fine Derek, I wasn’t there for you either. Honestly, I’m just glad that I had Holly.”</p><p>Derek’s frown disappears and his mouth turns upwards in a smug smile, “Me too. I’m glad she sent you crawling back to my dorm. Both times.”</p><p>Casey reels back and looks at him wide eyed.</p><p>Derek turns his head to look at her, smirking. “She told me. That girl really doesn’t have a filter; she keeps giving me stuff to hold over your head.”</p><p>“Don’t I know it?”</p><p>A few cars can be heard passing by, disturbing the quiet.</p><p>“I actually have a question too,” Casey says.</p><p>Derek groans, “Noooooo. You gave that information up freely. I don’t owe you anything.”</p><p>Casey ignores him, “What happened with Emily?”</p><p>“She didn’t tell you?” Derek asks, eying her warily.</p><p>“She just said something about long distance.”</p><p>“Well there you have it.”</p><p>“Okay,” Casey says simply. She lets the silence stretch again and waits for him to come to her. She knows he’s going to tell her.</p><p>Derek finally sighs, looking at her again. “It didn’t feel right.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Derek sits up and stares off into the distance, measuring his words. Casey slowly mirrors his actions, cautiously as if to not scare off an animal.</p><p>“I just. I wasn’t that into her, you know? I don’t really know why I kept it going for as long as I did, I just needed…” he trails off. She thinks about their infamous kitchen conversation and her own way of dealing with everything that was going on. She thinks she gets what he’s trying to say. “I don’t know,” he finishes. </p><p>He takes a few seconds before continuing, “She came and told me that she wanted to…”</p><p>“To sleep with you, I know.”</p><p>Derek stares at her sharply, “So you <em>do</em> know.”</p><p>“I just know she told me she was going to talk to you about it, and the next day you two were broken up,” Casey says calmly.</p><p>Derek looks away from her again and nods, “We talked, and I knew it was more important to her than it was to me and it just… Didn’t feel right. So I told her that I didn’t think sleeping together was a good idea, and then we broke up.”</p><p>Casey nods her head in understanding, “You know Derek, that is actually… Very thoughtful of you.” </p><p>Derek snorts, “She didn’t think so.”</p><p>She lightly puts her hand on his arm, marveling at how he doesn’t flinch or pull away. “Well, I do. You’re a good guy Derek Venturi.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Don’t try to hug me now, Space Case. I still have a no hug policy. No matter what previous events may suggest for the contrary.”</p><p>She laughs out loud. The backdoor of the house opens and they both turn around to see George. Casey removes her hand from Derek’s arm.</p><p>“What are you guys doing out here?”</p><p>“Casey was acting suspicious when I got here,” Derek calls back, “I think she was speaking to the forest creatures, trying to find her real family.”</p><p>Casey punches the same arm she had just gently touched while Derek snickers. </p><p>George rolls his eyes, “Get inside you two.”</p><p>As they go back inside Casey thinks about the fact that if they had been at Queen’s, alone, they probably would have stayed out until dawn.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>One of their last days at home, her mother is hosting a book club meeting with the neighbors at their house. So Casey helps her with the baking for when the people come. They made a chocolate cake, and Casey is mixing the frosting in a bowl when the baby monitor comes to life, indicating that Simon just woke up screaming from his nap.</p><p>Her mother leaves the kitchen to go check on him, and just then Derek comes in through the backdoor. He’s been out with Sam and Ralph doing god knows what all day, and he goes directly to the baked goods. </p><p>Casey slaps his hand away. “That is for the book club.”</p><p>“They won’t miss one cupcake.”</p><p>Casey puts the bowl down and blocks his way. “Yes they will! Derek, this is perfectly measured for each guest – “</p><p>“Reeeeelax woman,” he says, looking at her amusedly.</p><p>He sticks his finger in the frosting and then puts it in his mouth, looking at her smugly. She averts her eyes.</p><p>“Don’t put your disgusting fingers in the food you Neanderthal,” she shrieks, scandalized. </p><p>“Or what?” He raises his eyebrows.</p><p>Despite how much Derek has matured in the past year, he still has this moments of being an <em>absolute nuisance</em> that just drive her completely insane. </p><p>“Out! Get out of my kitchen!” she yells, pointing towards the door.</p><p>“Sure,” he says, and starts backing away from her, his hand deliberately brushing the counter of the kitchen island, pushing various utensils to the floor in the process.</p><p>She feels the rage start boiling inside her.</p><p>“Pick. That. Up.” </p><p>Derek narrows his eyes challengingly, “Why don’t you pick them up yourself? I heard you are… <em>bendy</em>.”</p><p>It takes a few seconds for the words to register appropriately in her brain. She knows <em>exactly</em> what he’s referring to, and she also knows he’s not saying it to offend her, but to get a specific rise out of her. And he’s accomplishing it. </p><p>“You did <em>not</em> just say that to me, Derek Venturi.”</p><p>He shrugs, still smiling tauntingly. “I think I did.”</p><p>She acts faster than she thinks. Her hand automatically digs itself into the bowl she was previously mixing and she retracts it full of cake frosting, perfectly measured to be used as a projectile.</p><p>“<em>Casey.</em>”Derek says warningly.</p><p>She doesn’t give a fuck.</p><p>She throws the frosting at him. It lands satisfyingly on his shirt, and he immediately reaches for the bowl, but instead of digging his hand in it to get some out, he grabs the entire bowl and before she can react, dumps it over her head. </p><p>“<em>De-rek!</em>”</p><p>“Should have thought before you acted,” he sing-songs.</p><p>She thinks for a moment. There is no more frosting. But there sure is cake. </p><p>She grabs the naked cake and smashes it against his face, and then it’s an all out war.</p><p>They reach for each other’s faces, smearing cake and frosting, making a complete and utter mess, slipping on the floor, falling to the ground with the dropped kitchen utensils digging on their backs, fighting to the death.</p><p>She’s hyper aware of Derek’s body and hands on her own, and suddenly realizes how much stronger than her he is, because one second she’s on top of him and shoving cake down his shirt, and the next he’s flipping them over, pinning her down onto the ground by her wrists. </p><p>Looking up at him and breathing heavily, she asks herself a question she has asked a million times before. <em>How can I win against Derek in this situation?</em></p><p>She doesn’t think twice, she propels herself upwards and licks from his neck up to his jaw, savoring sweet cake against salty skin all the way. </p><p>Derek inhales sharply.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have done that.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh fu – </em>
</p><p>Derek pushes her down again, attacking her mouth with his own. And suddenly winning, baking and her mother’s book club completely vanish from her brain. </p><p>They kiss frantically, pulling at each other’s clothes, forgetting the world around them. She pushes her hands beneath his shirt, feeling her way up his hard torso, taking his shirt with her. Derek pulls away and grabs the back of the shirt with one hand, pulling it all the way off with her help.</p><p>Casey can’t rationalize any part of what’s going on. She just needs to feel his skin against hers, keep devouring him. She needs him like he’s air. </p><p>He leaves open mouthed kisses up her neck, making her moan. She bites his earlobe, squeezing his hips with her legs and making him grind into her.</p><p>“Fuck, Case.” He grunts.</p><p>She kisses his mouth again, tasting sweet chocolate as his hands travel to the hem of her shirt when – </p><p>“What the <em>hell</em> happened here!?”</p><p>They both freeze. Derek covers her mouth with his hand, wide eyed.</p><p>George’s voice came from the kitchen entrance, so that means that they are hidden by the kitchen island and he can only see the mess. But if he comes inside, he’s going to see them. They both hold their breaths.</p><p>“Nora!” George calls. She hears his footsteps retreat away from the kitchen.</p><p>Derek lets her go and they both sit up, frantically scrambling to disentangle themselves, Derek reaching for his shirt and pulling it on over his head lightening fast. </p><p>“Casey! Where are you?” She hears George’s voice come closer to the kitchen again and desperately runs her hands through her hair. </p><p>Derek stops her movements and hoists her up off the floor by the wrists.</p><p>“Leave the talking to me,” he hisses.</p><p>He looks her up and down and then he starts smearing the left over cake all over her skin with his hands.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing!?” She whisper yells as she watches him do the same with his own face and neck.</p><p>“It looked very licked off!” He snaps back. </p><p>She blushes crimson and just then George reenters the kitchen.</p><p>“There you are! What in the world are you doing!?” He yells, furious.</p><p>“Cake… fight?” Derek says, cringing. </p><p>“Cake –“ George cuts himself off and takes in their appearance.</p><p>Casey tenses up as George’s eyes roam all over their state and holds her breath. <em>Oh my god, he’ll know.</em></p><p>But then he just shakes his head and goes on a yelling rant about them being adults and past the point of cake fighting, and how they just ruined Nora’s book club meeting. Casey tries really hard not to zone out and analyze every bit of what just happened, still shell shocked. </p><p>She must <em>seriously</em> be out of her goddamn mind. What the fuck did she think she was doing? Kissing and undressing Derek on the kitchen floor with everyone else in the house? </p><p>All the yelling attracts the other members of the family into the kitchen, and they all watch the mess wide eyed. Edwin and Marti think it’s hilarious, and Lizzie is looking at her strangely, so she just avoids her eyes all together. </p><p>Her mother just shakes her head, and sighs to the heavens. “Well, at least we still have the cupcakes.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>After that incident they avoid each other the whole day, and just when Casey has convinced herself that she should go and confront him about what happened and what the hell they are going to do, Derek comes into her room and invites her to hang out with Sam and Ralph for the last time before they all go back to university.</p><p>So he just… Acts completely normal around her again. Summer ends, they go back to Queen’s and fall back into the same pattern as before.</p><p>Well, not exactly the <em>same</em> pattern. They kiss again. And then again. </p><p>It feels inevitable every time it happens. They are pulled together like a force of nature, and then they ignore it as if it had never happened.</p><p>And Casey can’t keep fooling herself anymore. Because every time they kiss, it feels <em>right</em>. Like the balance of the universe has been restored, like this is the way things are meant to be. Every color feels brighter, all her emotions get heightened, and she knows that even though they pretend like everything is normal, her feelings will not go away.</p><p>Because she loves him. It’s as simple as that, whether they are kissing, or fighting or studying or just quietly whispering in the night, she knows there is no other person she would rather be with than him.</p><p>And seriously, Casey doesn't know if she can keep doing this. Because she never knows what's going on in Derek's mind. </p><p>She never knows which kiss will be the last, how long before he gets bored, how long before he meets someone else. Someone uncomplicated, someone he doesn't have to pretend with, someone he can be with freely.</p><p>Sometimes he looks at her in certain ways and she thinks there’s no way he doesn’t feel the same. She can’t just be imagining the way he looks at her. It couldn’t just be that she’s so ass backwards in love with him that she interprets every little gesture as a sign to have hope.</p><p>Casey just knows that if he doesn’t feel the same, she has to put an end to this and fast... Or else she’ll just end up with a broken heart.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>About a month into their first semester of their second year, she meets a boy named Calum in her Economics class. He sits behind her every lesson, and one day he asks her out for coffee. </p><p>He’s very attractive, tall with blonde hair and tanned skin. So Casey thinks <em>‘what the hell’</em>, and goes with him to her favorite coffee shop after class.</p><p>They sit and talk, and Calum seems genuinely interested in her. He tells her about his little sister and asks her if she has any siblings. </p><p>“Oh yeah, I have my sister Lizzie and baby Simon was just born a few months ago… And I also have step siblings. My step-sister Marti… and my step-brother Edwin.”</p><p>“Wow, that’s a full house,” Calum says amusedly.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p><em>‘Wow, this guy really wants to get to know me’</em>, Casey thinks. And maybe this is her chance, to finally get out of the rabbit hole that is Derek and move on.</p><p>But she also has this weird feeling, like she wants Calum to back off.  For some reason, some part of her really doesn’t want to let go of Derek.</p><p>She shoves the feeling down as she tries to listen to the nice, cute guy sitting in front of her – but her heart seems offended, like she’s betraying its owner.</p><p>“Who’s Derek?” Calum pulls her out of her thoughts. </p><p>
  <em>Shit, did I say something out loud?</em>
</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Some Derek is calling you.”</p><p>She looks down at her phone on the table. She had put it on silent for her class and then forgot to turn the volume back on. The screen is lighting up with an incoming call, the name ‘Derek’ flashing in bold black letters, mocking her. Her traitorous heart flutters excitedly. </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Casey is still staring at it, waiting for Derek to hang up, but also wishing that he won’t. </p><p>“You can pick it up, it could be important,” Calum says. </p><p>She looks up at him apologetically. </p><p>“It’ll be just a second.”</p><p>She gets up and walks a few feet away from their booth, going to lean against the wall next to the restrooms.</p><p>She picks up, “What?”</p><p>“You know, I’d feel pretty offended if a girl picked up her phone in the middle of a date. <em>Not</em> that it has ever happened to me, but it must be kind of awkward.” Derek’s voice comes from the other end of the line.</p><p>Casey looks around frantically, “Where are you!?”</p><p>“Look outside, Princess.”</p><p>She subtly turns around and there he is, standing outside the coffee shop, leaning against a car, hair ruffled by the wind and a rueful grin on his face. Her stomach knots with the image and her heart presses painfully inside her chest. <em>Damn.</em></p><p>“What are you doing here? Don’t you have hockey practice in like half an hour?”</p><p>“Yep, come down to the rink with me.”</p><p>“I’m in the middle of a date!”</p><p>She sees Derek shrug, “So ditch him.”</p><p>“What!?” She sputters. </p><p>“Come on Case, you know I’m way more fun to be around than Brad over there.”</p><p>“His name is Calum,” Casey says indignantly. </p><p>“What the fuck kind of name is Calum?”</p><p>“De-rek!”</p><p>“Okay, so I may actually <em>need</em> you to come with me.”</p><p>She feels dread rising in her gut.</p><p>“What did you do?”</p><p>“Can’t explain it over the phone.”</p><p>Casey prepares herself to fight him. She’s not going to get roped into another one of his messes.  She’s not going to leave a date with a possible future boyfriend to go fix Derek’s problems. There is absolutely <em>no way in hell</em> she’s leaving with him. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Five minutes later she’s sitting on the passenger side of The Prince, arms crossed over her chest.</p><p>“So, why do you need me to go to the rink with you?”</p><p>Derek smirks, “I may have made that up.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“See, I made a bet against myself,” Derek starts, “First, I bet that I could get you to pick up my call in the middle of a date.” He flashes another infuriating smirk her way, “And then, I raised the stakes by betting I could get you to <em>leave</em> your date for me.” He finishes smugly. </p><p>Casey feels a lot of things all at once. How <em>dare</em> he ruin her chances to date a nice guy out of some stupid, selfish wish to keep her trailing behind him like a puppy? How dare he do this to her, when he is well aware of her feelings towards him and for some reason just keeps leading her on? </p><p>It’s just not fair. She’s not going to let him fuck with her, not with this. </p><p>“Okay, pull over.” She snaps.</p><p>Derek’s self satisfied smirk leaves his face, and she hates how he knows her so well that he can realize that she’s actually upset this time.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m serious Derek, pull over.”</p><p>He does as she says, turns off the car and looks at her. She tries to yank the door open, but he keeps putting the lock back on the car door.  </p><p>“What’s gotten into you?”</p><p>Casey finally gives up on the door and turns to him angrily.</p><p>“You can’t keep doing this. Back when Simon was born we agreed that this,” She points between the two of them, “Was a no-no. And now we keep making out whenever you feel like it, and then we are back to normal, and then you pull me out of a <em>freaking date</em> because you felt like proving a point to me? That’s just fucking cruel.”</p><p>Derek seems genuinely surprised by her outburst, “What are you talking about?”</p><p>Casey sighs heavily and runs a hand through her hair.</p><p>“What’s going to happen when you get bored? When you finally get this, <em>me</em> out of your system and then go on with your life? What am I supposed to do then?”</p><p>He leans away from her, as if she had delivered a physical blow. </p><p>“<em>’Out of my system'?</em>” He sounds incredulous. “Casey I’ve been… I mean. I’ve been trying to get away from you ever since I was fifteen. There is no way you could <em>ever</em> be out of my system.”</p><p>She just stares at him, not knowing what to make of that statement. </p><p>Derek doesn’t seem to know what to do with this conversation either.</p><p>“Why are you so mad?” He asks her. </p><p>Casey looks away from him, towards the street and the people passing by. It seems easier to say all of this if she’s not looking at him. She has to say it. It’s the only way she can make him understand why this situation can’t work for her. </p><p>“I put myself out there,” she says bravely, “Back at your dorm? Before we got the call, and I told you this was more than just attraction to me. So if you keep leading me on – ”</p><p>Derek cuts her off. </p><p>“Leading you on…?” He repeats confusedly.</p><p>She chances a glance back at him. He’s looking at her with his brow furrowed, and their eyes meet. He searches her face and she can see when the realization dawns on him. </p><p>“You… you don’t think it’s mutual?” he asks quietly, he seems hurt by the thought. </p><p>Casey swallows, lowering her voice too. “I mean… you didn’t say anything. We never talk about it.”</p><p>Derek’s frown deepens, “I’m not good with words.”</p><p>She sighs, “I know that, I don’t expect you to be, I just need… I don’t know.” She thinks of a way to put it so that he’ll understand. “I feel like we’re playing poker and you can see my every hand but I <em>never</em> get to see yours.”</p><p>Derek considers this for a moment, and then nods and takes a deep breath. He runs a hand through his hair, “Case. It’s mutual. Believe me. It’s always been mutual.” His gaze falls to her lap, where her hands are tightly clasped. “And this is – I mean – I keep thinking… about you <em>all the time</em>. And I’ve been holding back for <em>months</em> now and –“</p><p>He cuts himself off, and looks at her full on. Her breath catches.</p><p>“I don’t want to hold back anymore.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Casey’s voice comes out in a squeak. </p><p>“I’m not saying I want to push it, but. I don’t know.” His eyes hold hers pleadingly and she can’t look away, “Why can’t we just go with it? Instead of…?”</p><p>“Holding back?” she whispers.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Casey nods slowly, “I mean. It could get really complicated.”</p><p>“Isn’t it already? I just took you away from a date and you went along with it.”</p><p>She can feel herself slowly inching closer to him, her heart hammering in her chest, telling her that this is right, that this is what she wants. “I mean I guess... It’s been kind of inevitable.”</p><p>Derek breathes out a laugh, “Yeah.”</p><p>“So we’re doing it?” she blurts out. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Going with it… Whatever this is?”</p><p>Derek swallows, “If that’s what you want.”</p><p>Although he’s still looking at her pleadingly, he’s giving her an out. All the reasons why they have been holding back until now are still there, but it feels easier now. Inevitable, as she put it before. Now she knows that she is in love with him, she admitted it to herself. And Derek just told her that he reciprocates her feelings.</p><p>And what reasons could ever be more important than how they feel? If it feels right, why keep denying it? </p><p>She breathes shakily, “I – yeah. Okay.”</p><p>Derek’s grin is as wide as she has ever seen it. It’s a pure sort of smile, like the most genuine and open expression. She feels fear slowly drifting out of her, and a sunny, warm feeling taking over. She mirrors his smile.</p><p>“You know Case, if we’re gonna do <em>‘this’</em>.” He grabs her hand, “Well, I’m sorry for your boy <em>Calum</em>, but I don’t share.” Derek says. </p><p>Casey rolls her eyes, “No wonder you failed first grade.”</p><p>“Come on.”</p><p>Casey wrenches her hand out of his grasp and crosses her arms, “Well, I’m not your <em>property</em>.” </p><p>Now Derek rolls his eyes, “I know that,” he says exasperatedly, “That’s not what I’m saying.”</p><p>“Then what <em>are</em> you saying?”</p><p>Derek looks away from her and understanding hits her.</p><p>“Are you saying you don’t want us to see other people?” Casey asks, incredulously. </p><p>Derek crosses his arms, “No. I’m saying I don’t want <em>you</em> to see other people.”</p><p>She gets angry all over again, “What? So you can keep on flaunting all those girls in my face?”</p><p>He leans back on his seat and looks at her pointedly, “What girls?”</p><p>And that throws her because… <em>what girls?</em> </p><p>She realizes then that she hasn’t actually seen Derek with another girl in months. And that’s <em>crazy</em> because Derek always has girls throwing themselves at him; but now that she thinks about it, she hasn’t even seen him <em>flirt</em> with a girl since they started this… <em>whatever</em> it is that they are doing. </p><p>“Oh my god, Derek.” she says, wonderingly.</p><p>He looks away from her again, but she catches the little tint of redness on his cheeks. Her heart feels like it just grew three sizes and it’s pressing against her lungs, making it hard to breathe.</p><p>Casey reaches out and touches his face gingerly. Derek looks back at her, face still flushed, and it only takes a millisecond for him to interpret the look on her face long enough to catch her around the waist when she throws herself at him. </p><p>She kisses him hungrily, and he tugs her over the gear shift of the car until she’s sitting on his lap. They kiss hurriedly, with an urge to devour, to get everything they can get out of the other. One of Derek’s hands is tangled in her hair and the other is warm against the small of her back. She lets her own hands roam and explore, and Derek lets out a sweet, suprised noise from low in his throat.</p><p>They pull away from each other when a police man taps angrily on Derek’s window.</p><p>“Get the hell out of here!”</p><p>Casey’s face feels like it’s going to melt off from embarrassment, while Derek only looks mildly sheepish. </p><p>She gets back to her own seat and Derek starts the car up again. </p><p>“Oh shit, hockey practice.”</p><p>Casey laughs, “Let’s go, I guess we’re going down to the rink together after all”. </p><p>He smiles at her, “Yeah.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I actually like the name Calum, Derek was just being a jealous little shit.</p><p>Only one more chapter to go! </p><p>I hope you liked it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Who Your People Are (And How to Keep Them)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm back! This chapter took longer to upload because I got completely blocked while writting it. Especially because for some reason I thought it would be the shortest one and the easiest to write and it ended up being the longest and the hardest. Oops. </p><p>Anyway, I wanted to thank you so much for the kudos and the comments, it really means a lot.</p><p>I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Holly!” Casey throws open the door to her dorm.</p><p>A dark haired girl jumps a foot in the air, the water from the glass cup she’s holding flying with the motion.</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Casey.” She says, pressing a hand to her chest.</p><p>“Oh, hi Jess,” Casey greets Holly’s girlfriend sheepishly, “Where’s Holly?”</p><p>On cue, Holly comes out of her room, “I heard Casey’s desperate call, what happened?”</p><p>Casey turns to her friend, “I was just with Derek.”</p><p>Holy raises an eyebrow, “This seems like every day conversation so far.”</p><p>“We said we were going with it, whatever this is,” Casey explains, flushed.</p><p>“Oh,” Holly says, then frowns. “I don’t know what that means.”</p><p>“Me neither!” Casey wails, and falls on a chair, dramatically.</p><p>“Hold on,” Jess says, “Derek as in, the guy who’s always here? The guy who I literally <em>never</em> see you without? I think this is maybe the second time I’ve ever seen you alone.”</p><p>Holly and Parker had broken up over the summer, and Jess and Holly met in one of her classes and automatically hit it off. Since then, Jess is very frequently at their dorm, which means she has already met Derek, well, maybe a thousand times.</p><p>“Uh, yeah?” Casey responds.</p><p>Jess frowns, “I thought he was your boyfriend.”</p><p>Holly laughs, “Oh, I’ve been there. I don’t ask anymore.”</p><p>“So you guys are <em>not</em> dating?” Jess asks, confused.</p><p>Casey groans, “Ugh, I don’t know, we’re just going with it!”</p><p>“What does that mean?” Both Holly and Jess ask at the same time.</p><p>Casey lets her head fall back against the chair, “I have no idea.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>They are at the campus cafeteria, eating lunch before Casey has to head to one of her afternoon classes. It’s a little routine they have picked up lately, having lunch or breakfast together and walking each other to their respective classes. It’s not something they plan beforehand; it just starts happening more and more, and they both go along with it. Kind of like everything that’s been going on with them as of late. </p><p>Casey watches Derek as he devours an eggroll, not a care in the world. Not for the first time, she marvels at how at ease they are around each other, how it’s obvious that they are not putting up a front anymore, just being themselves wholeheartedly and comfortably. </p><p>There is another thing brewing in the back of her mind. She doesn’t want to be the one who brings it up though, the million dollar question. <em>What are we?</em></p><p>They have been, as Derek had put it, <em>‘going with it, whatever this is’</em> and it has been… surprisingly good. They just work. They click in a way that Casey hasn’t with anybody else in any previous relationship; because they know each other from the inside out, they know the good, the bad and the ugly, and moving from their previous relationship to this just feels natural. There is no effort or difficulty, it just <em>works</em>.</p><p>But she doesn’t know what they are. Are they a couple? It sure feels like they are. They are not seeing anybody else and they do couple stuff all the time, like this right now. Eating together and then walking each other to class. Hanging out every day and kissing unapologetically whenever they feel like it. Not rushing anything, just feeling their way through it. </p><p>And because they are not pushing it, she doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up. She knows Derek, and any kind of <em>‘we need to talk’</em> or <em>‘what are we?’</em> conversation could potentially have him running for the hills. </p><p>There is also another thing that she can’t stop thinking about. She’s in love with him. Head over heels, completely stupid for this boy she swears she used to hate. All of that feels like it was so long ago, and the funny thing is… neither of them has changed that much since. They are still the exact same people, a little more mature maybe, but still the same in all the things that make them who they are. So how could she have hated all the things about him that she now loves? Has she ever really hated him? Or has she always loved him? </p><p>Casey has never been in love before, and she had honestly no idea how hard it would be for her to just hold those three little words in. The urge to blurt them out comes in the most random and mundane moments, and she has to restrain herself from just telling him <em>‘I love you, Derek’</em> out of fucking nowhere. </p><p>They could be just studying, or watching a movie or any other normal everyday thing and she would look at him and feel it building up inside her, the need to say it. It just grows from within, intense, threatening to come bursting out of her, like she might explode if she doesn’t say anything.</p><p>Even now, watching him eat like a pig makes her feel like it could just come flying out of her face any second. </p><p><em>I love you.</em> </p><p>Derek looks up from his food and grimaces at her. “You’re staring creepily again.” </p><p>Aaaand the urge is gone, <em>thank god.</em> </p><p>Casey flushes a little, but tries to hide it by blurting out whatever else is on her mind. She has so many things scrambled up in her brain revolving around him, that she could pick whatever random topic and they would never run out of conversation. </p><p>“So… Friday night is my dance recital,” she opts to say. </p><p>He just stares at her blankly.</p><p>“You’re coming, right?”</p><p>“Uh, I’m not really a dance recital kind of guy,” Derek says, standing up from the table they are sitting at. </p><p>Casey stands up too, “Do <em>I</em> look like a hockey games kind of girl?”</p><p>“No one is making you go to those,” he counters, walking towards the trash can. </p><p>“So you would be perfectly fine if I just stopped going,” Casey deadpans. </p><p>“Yup,” he says, popping the ‘p’. He tosses his trash and starts moving towards the cafeteria entrance. </p><p>Casey grabs his arm and halts his attempts to escape, even though they were originally going in the same direction and she was just going to follow him anyway. </p><p>“That is <em>such</em> bullshit,” she says, incredulously. </p><p>Derek sighs loudly, “Why do you even want me there? You never cared if I went to any of your performances back in London.”</p><p>Casey rolls her eyes, “Well, it is different now.”</p><p>That seems to pick Derek’s interest. He looks at her with inquisitive eyes, “Different how?”</p><p>Casey hesitates for a second, her resent dilemma flashing in her brain again. <em>What are we?</em> </p><p>“We are not the same as before,” she declares. </p><p>Derek raises his eyebrows, stepping closer to her. “Reeeally? How do you mean?”</p><p>Casey narrows her eyes. This feels like a trap, smells like a trap, <em>and</em> looks like a trap. She realizes he’s baiting her. <em>Of course</em> he knows why she wants him at her show, he just wants her to say it. He wants her to acknowledge their relationship. He’s trying to play her at her own game.</p><p>Well, tough luck buddy, she’s not falling for <em>that</em> one. </p><p>She crosses her arms over her chest, “You know what? You’re right. You don’t have to come. There is obviously <em>no reason</em> for you to do so.”</p><p>Derek smirks and shakes his head knowingly, “Why Case, what made you change your mind so suddenly?”</p><p>She shrugs, “I just have this feeling… like this argument is not going to go anywhere.” </p><p>Derek’s grin widens, “None of our arguments ever really go anywhere.”</p><p>“You’re right. Mostly we just have someone interrupt us... or as of lately, we get distracted with something else,” Casey says with a secretive smile.</p><p>He chuckles lowly, “I guess we finally found something we are better at than arguing.”</p><p>He then takes dangerous step towards her, his smoldering eyes locked with hers.</p><p>“Derek?” A familiar voice says from behind Casey. </p><p>Derek’s eyes widen, “<em>Sally?</em>”</p><p>Casey turns around and there she is – tall, sparkling green eyes and shiny blonde hair, smiling at Derek, still as beautiful as she remembers her.</p><p>“Oh my god, hi!” Sally hugs Derek, and he returns the embrace stiffly, his eyes shifting towards Casey. “Casey! You look so beautiful!”</p><p>Sally goes to hug Casey then, and she tries her best to act normal, and not appear any bit as uneasy as she feels. She really likes Sally; she was always such a sweet and nice girl. Casey always felt like she had a friend in her.</p><p>
  <em>You know who else really likes Sally?</em>
</p><p>Casey tries very hard not to look at Derek. She remembers the look of pure adoration he always had for Sally back when they were a couple, and she’s not sure if she could handle seeing it on his face again right now.</p><p>“Hey, Sally.” Casey says in a cheery voice. She can feel Derek’s eyes on her, but she refuses to look back at him. “How are you? I thought you were still in Vancouver.”</p><p>Sally smiles brightly, “Oh I’m great! Yes, I’m still at UBC, it’s my third year. I actually came to Queen’s to take a week long course. I’m so glad I run into you guys! Derek told me he got into Queen’s, but then I totally forgot.”</p><p>“That’s great Sal. It’s good to see you.” Derek’s voice sounds normal, but Casey can feel the nervous energy oozing out of him.</p><p>She can’t blame him for feeling uncomfortable. Having your ex-girlfriend (who you were totally crazy about) and your… <em>whatever the hell</em> Casey is to him, together in the same conversation must be really awkward.</p><p>“It’s good to see you guys too. We should have dinner tonight, the three of us,” Sally says.</p><p>Derek rubs the back of his neck, “Uh… sure, yeah. That would be cool.”</p><p>Sally smiles at him and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “That way we can all catch up.”</p><p>Is Sally flirting with him? Casey can’t tell. Sally is always so smooth and cool that it could be either way. They keep making small talk and suddenly, Casey feels very inadequate. She keeps zoning out of the conversation, answering only when she’s addressed, and her insides are twisting painfully. </p><p>Derek had been totally entranced with Sally when they were dating. Hell, he was ready to move all the way to Vancouver for her. And Casey can still feel how tense he is standing beside her. Maybe seeing Sally again is making all those feelings come back and he is uncomfortable with Casey being there.</p><p>Casey gets this desperate feeling, like she has to leave, <em>now</em>. Make things easier for Derek and herself. If he wants to ‘catch up’ with Sally, she just can’t keep standing there.</p><p>Casey cuts into the conversation, “Sally, it was so good to see you, but I really should get going to class.”</p><p>She starts backing away, aching to get away from them, but Derek’s hand immediately shoots out and catches her own, pulling her back towards him. Casey falls to his side, pressed slightly against him.</p><p>“Reeelax Space Case, we still have like half an hour before your class starts.”</p><p>He runs his thumb over her knuckles and all the tension leaves her body. She expects him to let go of her hand, but he maintains his gentle hold. Sally’s eyes zero in on the gesture, but she doesn’t comment on it.</p><p>Derek seems to relax too, and starts participating more animatedly in the conversation. Casey remains a little silent though, still worried about all the insecure thoughts that just assaulted her mind.  <em>Add that to the ever growing list.</em></p><p>Sally perks up suddenly, looking at her watch. “Oh, I actually have to get going, but see you guys tonight for dinner!”</p><p>“I’ll text you the directions to my dorm,” Derek says. </p><p>“Great, bye!”</p><p>Sally turns around and leaves, blonde hair swaying from side to side. Derek immediately turns to Casey. </p><p>“Okay, what’s with you?” </p><p>They are still holding hands, so Casey discretely lets go and crosses her arms over her chest. “What do you mean?” </p><p>“You’re acting weirder than your usual weirdness,” Derek declares, eyes still examining her inquiringly. </p><p>Casey starts moving away from him, suddenly self conscious. She wonders if she should just say what’s on her mind, get it over with. If seeing Sally awoke something in him, maybe they should just clear the air right now, before it gets more awkward.</p><p>She sighs, arms still firmly crossed protectively over her chest. “It’s just, it got awkward, and I could tell you were uncomfortable, you know, with <em>me</em> and <em>her</em>.” He keeps looking at her like he’s talking to a crazy person, raising an eyebrow. “And that’s… I mean, that was <em>Sally</em>!”</p><p>“Yeah, I know her.” The eyebrow is still raised. </p><p>All of a sudden she gets annoyed by his obliviousness, “It’s just, isn’t she like, the love of your life or something?” She really tries to go for a casual, I-don’t-really-care tone, she even shrugs, but it comes out defensive. <em>Ugh.</em></p><p>Derek stares at her as if she had grown a second head for a few moments. Like she’s legitimately certifiable and he has no idea what she could possibly be talking about right now. And then, a look of realization passes across his eyes, and a slow, knowing grin starts to make its way through his entire face. </p><p>Sirens start going off inside her head because she <em>knows</em> that look. That face he makes when he has ammunition, something to hold over her head, a look that is full of cockiness and win.  <em>I’m going to watch you squirm now.</em></p><p>“…Are you jealous?” He asks, slowly, watching her face.</p><p>“<em>What!?</em> No!” Casey shrieks, outraged, feeling her entire face grow hot.</p><p>Derek lets out a loud, joyful laugh, “You <em>so</em> are! This is great.”</p><p>“N-no I’m not! I – <em>Shut up!</em>” She tries to avoid his eyes, totally mortified by this absolutely traumatic experience, but he just grabs her chin and gently turns her face back towards him.</p><p>“Ooooh but look at that <em>blush!</em> This is awesome, where’s my camera?”</p><p>Anger makes its way through her embarrassment, “Derek, <em>shut up</em> or I swear to god I’m gonna fucking deck you right here in front of everyone,” she hisses. </p><p>He laughs again, not deterred by her threat at all, grabs her face between his hands, “You’re <em>so fucking cute</em>.” And kisses her twice on the mouth, right in the middle of the cafeteria, laughter still falling from his lips.</p><p>And just like that, all of her worries and doubts leave her mind, because the only thing that matters is Derek and his warm laughter, the feeling of his lips on hers, kissing her in front of a full cafeteria, ignoring his ‘no PDA’ rule. He looks at her with this genuine, happy smile and she can’t help but mirror it. </p><p>“Shut up,” she says, slightly breathless. </p><p>He’s still chuckling, “Okay, let’s get you to class, you crazy woman.”</p><p>They leave the cafeteria and start walking through the quad. Feeling bold, Casey catches Derek’s hand in hers and intertwines their fingers, welcoming the eruption of butterflies in her stomach when he doesn’t stiffen or pull away.</p><p>“So…” She says, “We are having dinner with Sally tonight?”</p><p>“I guess so.”</p><p>“What do we do?” Casey asks. </p><p>“I’m thinking Chinese?”</p><p>She rolls her eyes, “About Sally!”</p><p>Derek brings a hand to his chest and gasps, faking scandalous. “Well, we can’t just <em>get rid</em> of her, Case. You’ll have to control all this jealousy.”</p><p>Casey smacks him with her free hand, “Shut up! I love Sally!”</p><p>“Oh, <em>I’m sure</em> you do,” he says mockingly. </p><p>She huffs, “Okay, whatever.”</p><p>Derek stops walking when they get to the building her class is held in, and turns to face her seriously. “What we do is act like normal people, can you do that?”</p><p>She narrows her eyes at him, “Of course I can do that. So… we pretend everything is normal, then?”</p><p>He smirks, “<em>Normal</em>, what do you mean by that?” He asks innocently, obviously still trying to fish for her take on their relationship status. </p><p>“Ugh, you’re impossible,” she says, going inside the building and leaving him laughing at the entrance.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>That night they have dinner at Derek’s dorm with Sally, and it’s actually pretty nice. They have a great time talking, and laughing, and catching up. Sally tells them all about her exciting life in Vancouver, where she has a lot of friends and a successful job. </p><p>Derek and Casey act normal, like they always do. She’s not sure how much is different now from how they used to act almost 3 years ago when Sally and Derek were together. She guesses they are a little less antagonistic now, but Derek still manages to tease her a couple of times through dinner, so she thinks they are good. </p><p>Casey goes into the kitchen to get the dessert, plates and spoons. She can hear Sally and Derek talking animatedly in the living room. Derek laughs at something Sally says, and then they fall silent.</p><p>A couple of moments pass, and then Sally speaks up, “Derek.”</p><p>“Mmh?”</p><p>“Are you and Casey together?”</p><p>Casey trips over her own feet at the kitchen’s entrance, and almost drops everything she’s carrying. Impressively, considering the major klutz that she is, she manages to right herself and move back into the kitchen, pressing her back against the wall, heart hammering inside her ribcage.</p><p>Were they being too obvious? She thought they were acting the way they always acted around other people. What were they doing, thinking they could actually pull this off?</p><p>She considers barging back into the living room, hoping Sally won’t expect Derek to answer the question with Casey present. But before she can make up her mind, Derek is already answering.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, simply.</p><p>Casey’s heart somersaults and she barely stops herself from sliding down the wall onto the floor in a girlish poodle, supporting herself on shaky legs.</p><p>“How long?” Sally asks. And she doesn’t sound angry or disgusted, but Casey can’t really decipher the tone of her voice anyway.</p><p>“A few months,” Derek says, and he sounds so calm, a total contrast to the boy who used to avoid heartfelt, post break up conversations for a fear of tears.</p><p>“Are you telling me that you left home, and <em>out of nowhere</em> developed feelings for a person you lived with for <em>three years</em>?” Sally says skeptically. </p><p>And Casey gets it. Sally wants to know if anything was already happening back in London, possibly while Derek and Sally were still dating. The thought is actually upsetting, because neither Derek nor Casey would do that to anyone, least of all Sally, who is literally the nicest person ever and they both like her so much. </p><p>Casey can practically feel Derek cringing from the other room, and wonders if she should go over there and support him through this awkward conversation. But she realizes that Sally deserves this, and Derek is the one who has to talk her through it.</p><p>He sighs audibly, “Look, Sal. I’m not going to tell you that what Casey and I have is new. There was always something there, but we never acted on it until we left London. And you have to know, that what you and I had was important to me, and I… I really cared about you, okay? When we were together I was only faithful to you, and I never even considered being with anyone else besides you at the time.”</p><p>Casey’s chest fills with pride at how Derek is handling this situation, and she marvels at his growth since their high school days.</p><p>“Okay, thank you for your honesty,” Sally says kindly, “Are you happy?”</p><p>Derek groans and Casey giggles quietly at his discomfort. “Yeah, I am. Are we done with the interrogation now?” Casey’s smile almost breaks her face in half.</p><p>Sally chuckles, “Yeah, we’re done. I’m very happy for you, Derek.” </p><p>Honestly, how is Sally the coolest girl alive? </p><p>“Thanks, Sal.”</p><p>Casey waits a few more moments and then goes back into the living room, trying her best to appear casual; although she’s sure there must still be a faint blush on her cheeks. </p><p>“Here’s dessert!” She says cheerfully. Sally smiles at her and Casey smiles back. Derek only looks at her knowingly. </p><p>Later, before Sally leaves, Casey hugs her extra hard. It’s not only the fact that she was so cool about the whole thing. It’s also that she hadn’t seemed surprised or disgusted in the slightest. She hadn’t even mentioned the fact that they are step-siblings, like it wasn’t an issue at all for her, and Casey feels such relief and gratefulness for that.</p><p>When the door closes behind Sally, Derek turns to her expectantly, obviously knowing she had heard every word he had said about them and their relationship.</p><p>“What?” She tries to sound nonchalant, but there’s this big smile she can’t keep away from her face for more than two seconds straight.</p><p>Derek rolls his eyes, “Come on, let me have it.” He crosses his arms over his chest and closes his eyes, as if bracing himself for something painful. </p><p>Casey laughs and then shrugs, “So, I’m guessing I’ll be seeing you at my recital after all?”</p><p>He opens his eyes and raises an eyebrow, “And what makes you think that?”</p><p>“Boyfriends don’t miss their girlfriend’s performances,” she says simply. </p><p>He doesn’t miss a beat, “Well, this boyfriend does.”</p><p>He ends up going anyway. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Dating Derek feels old and new at the same time. Somehow, it’s like they have always been like this. She can’t really remember how it was before; when holding his hand, or kissing him whenever she pleases was just a shameful fantasy, something completely unattainable. </p><p>It’s almost as if looking back, is she pays enough attention, she was always his. All the situations where they ended up tangled and how they were never really able to mind their own business when it came to each other. How they couldn’t just stay away from the other.</p><p>A new thing about being a couple though, is finding excuses not to go home. They can’t tell their family they are together, for obvious reasons. So they just keep telling them that they are swarmed by exams and that second year is way harder than the first. </p><p>Sometimes, they will call when they are together, and Casey just can’t help but freak out. Because what if they notice something’s off about them? What if it’s completely obvious? She picks up, and sometimes she’ll admit she’s with Derek (because she <em>can</em> just be hanging out with Derek, their family knows they see each other in college, that doesn’t have to be weird) and in the milliseconds it takes for her mother to give a reaction, she can feel the anxiety set in. </p><p>Derek notices, too. And she sees the worried glances he sends her way whenever it happens. She’s not really sure what it is he’s particularly worried about, but she knows they’ll have to talk about it eventually.</p><p>As for everything else, it’s just great. Casey marvels at how they fit together perfectly like puzzles pieces. Every kiss is exploring and electrifying, every move is exciting. They are taking their time with their exploration, not wanting to rush into anything. </p><p>Derek is gentle with her, sweet even. But sometimes, she feels like he is expecting her to run away any second. When he looks at her silently freaking out while on the phone with their family, or when they entertain the distant possibility of telling people, she notices he looks wary. It worries her a little too, but she can’t bring herself to ask him about it. Not yet.</p><p>She just wants to enjoy this for now.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>There comes a week in which Derek and Casey fight more than usual. They have exams looming over them, and they are both cranky and unbearable to be around. They get into arguments multiple times a day, arguments that are not like their usual bantering ones. These ones feel like there is real anger in them. Tension rises and rises between them, they storm out of each other’s dorms only to come back later bearing apologies. But then it happens again and again. </p><p>Years in the future, she won’t remember what the last fight is about, just everything that comes after. They are standing in Derek’s dorm, textbooks forgotten on the coffee table, and there is a pretty ugly screaming match going on. </p><p>Casey falls back onto the couch and covers her face with her hands, “Derek, I can’t <em>stand</em> all this fighting.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” He asks, his arms crossed over his chest.</p><p>“That I don’t want to fight anymore!” Casey shrieks, frustrated.  </p><p>Derek opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, and then he just shakes his head. “Well, I don’t think we can ever stop fighting.”</p><p>“Well, I’m tired of it!” she snaps. </p><p>“So what?” Derek snaps back, getting all worked up again, “What do you mean by that?” </p><p>“Nothing, I just –“</p><p>“You want to call it quits?” He demands, pointing at her accusingly. “Just fucking do it.”</p><p>Casey feels her stomach drop, “<em>What?</em> No –”</p><p>“You know, I didn’t have the best time of my life without you either,” Derek says, angrily. </p><p>Casey shakes her head, confused. She was already very upset about the whole argument without Derek pulling all this stuff out of nowhere. She feels disoriented, and she has <em>no idea</em> what the hell Derek is talking about. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“The first two months at Queens?” He offers, “You always say you were miserable. Well, I wasn’t all that great either!”</p><p>She knows that, she had noticed the bags under his eyes and the state of destruction his dorm was in. She had tried to breach the subject a few times, but he always dismissed it and said that it was nothing, just college kicking his ass. But she had also noticed how much better he started looking when whey reentered each other’s lives, much like it had happened with her.</p><p>“I missed you,” his voice breaks, “Yeah, I was angry at you and full of pride and all that shit, and I purposefully stayed away from you. But, Case, if you hadn’t sought me out first, I wasn’t far behind you. Every week I had to <em>restrain</em> myself from going over to your dorm.”</p><p>Casey remains seated on the couch, completely at a loss for words to say to him. She has never seen Derek so upset before in her entire life.</p><p>“I distracted myself with a bunch of girls and hockey, but I was damn miserable too. And then you came back, and suddenly everything was better and I knew I couldn’t lose you again.” Derek keeps pacing back and forth, dumping all this information on her, while all she can do is stare. “And I thought that we both wanted this, to be together like this, but <em>obviously</em> I was wrong. From the start <em>you</em> were the one running away from it, so maybe you just don’t want it.”</p><p>Casey stands up, feeling tears start pressing in the corners of her eyes. “Derek – what the fuck?”</p><p>“But before you call it quits, think about what it was like without each other, because I sure <em>as hell</em> can’t do that again –“</p><p>“Derek, calm down –“</p><p>“So however shitty you think we are together, we are way worse apart!” He shouts.</p><p>Casey bursts into tears, “I don’t think we’re shitty together you <em>jerk</em>!” </p><p>Derek softens up at once, his shoulders slumping. “Casey hey, don’t cry.”</p><p>He comes up to her and wraps his arms around her trembling frame, “I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was just mad.”</p><p>She shakes her head furiously against his chest, “What is <em>wrong</em> with you? I don’t want to break up! I literally <em>never</em> said that.”</p><p>He hugs her tighter, and for some reason her stupid brain can’t help but realize that this is the second time he has ever hugged her. She shakily brings her arms around his waist, because she has learned not to pass on this kind of things, no matter how angry she is. </p><p>Derek speaks softly against her hair. “I just… Sometimes I feel like this isn’t what you want… <em>me</em>.” She starts shaking her head again and he gently puts a hand on her hair, silently asking her to hear him out. “You’re always so scared that the fam is going to find out and <em>shun us</em> or whatever and I just…” He breathes in shakily, and he sounds so upset, she has really never seen him act so vulnerable before. “If you can’t do this tell me now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it if you decide you don’t want this a year from now. Hell, even a month from now.”</p><p>Casey seriously can’t believe he thinks like this, when he’s literally everything she has ever wanted, even if she hadn’t known it herself in the past. She does now and she’s not going to let him go. </p><p>She thinks about what he said about telling the family and disentangles herself from him a little, looking up at his face. He brings his hands to her cheeks and wipes the tears under her eyes with his thumbs. </p><p>Honestly, the idea of telling them absolutely terrifies her. She just <em>knows</em> they are not going to take it well. But she also knows that Derek is the one she wants to be with, and that they can’t live in a lie forever, hiding their relationship from everyone. She knows they’ll <em>have</em> to tell them eventually. If he needs the reassurance that she’s not planning on hiding what they have forever, then she <em>will</em> give it to him.  Even if she really, <em>really</em> isn’t ready to tell them now. </p><p>“D-Do you want to tell them?” She asks quietly.</p><p>Derek chuckles breathlessly and shakes his head in disbelief, “<em>Hell no</em>. Not yet…” Casey sighs in relief and he adds, “But Case, <em>someday</em>.”</p><p>He looks at her hopefully, pleadingly even. She feels the tears start up again. </p><p>She nods, “Okay, I think the same.”</p><p>Derek rests his forehead against hers, a move that always makes her weak at the knees, “Casey. Are you <em>absolutely</em> sure about this? I mean it.”</p><p>She slaps his back weakly, “You’re so stupid. How could you even <em>think</em> I don’t want this? Don’t you get it? This is what I wanted <em>all along</em>, I love you so much, you goddamn <em>idiot</em>.”</p><p>Derek stiffens completely, his eyes going slightly wider. <em>Well, fuck.</em> That just slipped right out of her mouth, like she knew it eventually would.</p><p>Seconds pass, and looking at him and his adorably surprised expression, she decides she doesn’t really care. She’s been fighting to hold it in for months now, and honestly, she’s not scared that he will run away anymore. It’s okay if he doesn’t feel it yet, there’s no shame in telling someone you love them. And she loves him, she just fucking loves him so much.</p><p>Casey gently grabs his face in between her hands, “Don’t freak out,” she whispers, “You can just pretend I didn’t say that. I’ll play dumb.”</p><p>Still looking bewildered, Derek’s eyes search her entire face. Casey’s cheeks redden and she smiles slightly, her heart thumping inside her chest. His eyes lock with hers intensely, and she stands on her tiptoes to kiss the corner of his mouth softly. He shivers, and his hands start roaming up her body until they reach her face, leaving a trail of warmth behind them.</p><p>“We stick together from now on, okay?” She states, eyes unable to leave his face. There is something different about this moment; it feels like they are inside of an energy bubble, electricity sparkling all around them. She feels as if the apartment is getting smaller, pushing them together, and they are the only people in the entire world.</p><p>Derek nods, his hands on her face, his brown eyes glowing and drinking her in. She’s pretty sure no one has ever looked at her like that before, and she can’t really describe his expression, but she knows she could survive off that look alone for years. The wonderment, the tenderness, it’s too much and not enough at the same time. </p><p>“Derek,” she breathes.</p><p>“I love you too,” he whispers. </p><p>And that’s it, engraved in her mind forever. No going back from this moment, a before and after marked in her brain in this exact spot. There are no words to describe the emotion she is feeling right now, she just knows that she will remember this forever.</p><p>She loops her arms around his neck and pulls him down to her, kissing him deeply. He responds enthusiastically, and it gets more and more urgent from there, so they start walking backwards, blindly feeling their way into his room. </p><p>Clothes are shed, caresses and whispers exchanged, wonder filled eyes and trembling hands tracing every square inch of one another.</p><p>“I love you,” Derek whispers against her neck while he leaves kisses all over her skin, “I’ve always loved you.” She closes her eyes.</p><p>They keep going until there are no more barriers between them, and Casey finally understands what was lacking before, finally finds that missing piece she was looking for, and it is now locked inside her forever. She memorizes every sigh, every quiet moan, every detail of his face and body. </p><p>No, she won’t remember the fight or what it was about, but this, Derek’s weight on top of her, the movement and the rhythm. Each word that falls from his lips and onto her skin, how he holds her, how he looks at her. The way he pants her name.</p><p>This she will remember forever.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>“Okay, you know <em>all</em> the rules?” She asks him. </p><p>Derek rolls his eyes and fake slams his head against the steering wheel, “<em>Yes</em>, Casey, I know the rules.”</p><p>They decided that they can’t keep avoiding going home, so now that the first semester is over they are heading to London to spend the Holidays with their family. Casey came up with a set of <em>completely necessary</em> rules of behavior for when they are staying at the house to ensure that they won’t get caught and expose their secret relationship. </p><p>“This is serious Derek, no touching, no kissing –“</p><p>“No looking at each other, no breathing in your direction, blah, blah, blah.”</p><p>Casey huffs in annoyance, “Whatever. But Derek, really, <em>no</em> sneaking into each other’s rooms.” She grimaces, “Especially not mine.”</p><p>He smirks at that, “Why? You don’t want us to <em>defile</em> your old room by screwing in your fluffy pink bed?”</p><p>She scrunches up her nose in distaste, “De-rek! Don’t call it that.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says mockingly, “You don’t want us to <em>make love</em> in your bed? Is that what you were screaming last night? ‘<em>Make love</em> to me harder, Derek’? Because I’m pretty sure it was –”</p><p>She turns magenta, “God, <em>shut up</em>.”</p><p>He shrugs, still smiling devilishly. “Gladly.”</p><p>Acting normal ends up being easier than she thought. Turns out, it’s easy to fall back into old habits, especially with their whole family around. She distracts herself with her mother and Lizzie. Simon is a little older than six months now, and he is still a handful and adorable. Their parents are thrilled to have them home, and Casey can let herself admit that she’s glad to be there too. </p><p>Despite saying that he would follow the rules, Derek still manages to sneak into her room every night. So, they end up defiling her old bedroom. She doesn’t mind too much. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Derek’s 20th birthday falls on a Saturday, so Friday night Casey stays over at his dorm. They eat pizza and fight over the remote, make out on the couch and then fight some more. She threatens to leave five times and they make love thrice.</p><p>In the morning, she wakes up naked and wrapped around him on his bed, to the annoying buzzing of his phone on the nightstand. It quiets down after some moments, and she stretches lazily. Derek has his face pressed on the pillow, his exposed back rising and falling in deep sleep.</p><p>She runs her fingers softly through his hair and he stirs a little “Derek, wake up.” She keeps this up until he opens his eyes.</p><p>Casey smiles at him, “Happy birthday.”</p><p>Derek stares at her in puzzlement for a moment, eyes raking over her tousled hair, sleepy face and naked body.</p><p>“What is it?” She asks.</p><p>Then, a slow dopey grin breaks out across his face, “I’ve had like a thousand dreams that start just like this.” He chuckles, voice rough and husky from sleep, “If only seventeen year old Derek could see me now.” </p><p>His phone starts buzzing again as she hits him with a pillow, but he just laughs and pulls her on top of him. They kiss lazily, ignoring the phone.</p><p>Suddenly, Derek’s bedroom door is thrown open.</p><p>“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, D!” Boom two familiar voices.</p><p>Casey squeals and falls to the side, pulling the covers up to her chest as Derek sits up to shield her from Sam and Ralph standing in his doorway.</p><p>“Oh shit, sorry dude, we didn’t know you would have comp– <em>Casey!?</em>”</p><p>Casey buries her face in between Derek’s shoulder blades, mortified. <em>This is not happening.</em> </p><p>“<em>Dude</em>, get the fuck out!” He shouts.</p><p>Sam doesn’t need to be told twice and books it right out of the room, while Ralph just stands there looking at them dazedly, “I am so confused.”</p><p>Derek throws a pillow at his head, “GET. <em>OUT!</em>” </p><p>After the door finally closes behind Ralph, they just stay there frozen for a few seconds in shock. Casey feels her heartbeat in her ears and the residual adrenalin pumping in her veins. Then, Derek throws the covers away from his body and starts hurriedly getting dressed, all the while cursing under his breath. </p><p>He hesitates at the door for a moment, takes a deep breath to collect himself and walks out onto the hallway.</p><p>“Sammy! Ralph! To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”</p><p>Casey rolls her eyes just as Sam deadpans, “Derek.”</p><p>She debates ways to climb out of his window and make it safely to the ground, but then decides to get dressed and face the music, because they decided to stick together through all of this.</p><p>She hears the ongoing conversation while she pulls her pants and shirt on. </p><p>“Why the fuck would you barge into my dorm like that?”</p><p>“We’ve been calling you for <em>an hour</em>, freezing our asses off outside. You should lock your fucking door if you don’t want people getting in.”</p><p>“Dude, was that <em>Casey</em>? Isn’t she like, your sister?”</p><p>“Step-sister, Ralphie.”</p><p>“I thought you guys hated each other?”</p><p>“Look can we just –“</p><p>Casey opens the door and they all stare at her when she walks out. “H-hey you guys.”</p><p>“Holy shit, it <em>is</em> Casey.” Ralph looks at Derek again, “Was it always this way between you two?”</p><p>Derek sighs, “No, just here at Queen’s.”</p><p>But Derek isn’t looking at Ralph as he answers all of his multiple questions, <em>“Do your parents know?” “Is it like, illegal?”</em> – His eyes are set on Sam, who for some reason is resolutely not looking at him, but staring holes onto the floor.</p><p>Unable to stand the tension or listen to Ralph’s questions anymore, Casey cuts in. “Sam? Are you okay?”</p><p>Derek watches intently as Sam sighs and locks eyes with him.</p><p>“Well, I was just wondering. What does the <em>male code</em> say about this, D?”</p><p>Derek rolls his eyes, “Come on man, I was fifteen.”</p><p>“And yet, you keep pulling the same kind of shit over and over,” Sam says, “Happy twentieth, <em>bro</em>.”</p><p>Derek narrows his eyes dangerously at his best friend, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”</p><p>Sam straightens up and walks up to him, while Casey and Ralph watch on wide eyed from the sidelines.</p><p>“<em>It means</em>, that I know that fooling around with Casey is like, the ultimate power trip for you. But is it really worth the aneurism that’s gonna kill your dad when he finds out?”</p><p>Casey doesn’t have the mind to take offence at the insinuation that Derek is only fooling around with her. She’s more concerned with the way sweet, easy going Sam is speaking to Derek – with a hostility and resentment she has never seen on the boy before.</p><p>Derek laughs dryly, “Thanks for the concern about my father, <em>bro</em>. But why don’t you just say what you <em>really</em> want to say?”</p><p>She hasn’t ever heard the word <em>‘bro’</em> used so threateningly so many times in a conversation before in her life, and she <em>has</em> heard Derek use that taunting voice before, but never on Sam. </p><p>Sam isn’t the least bit intimidated by Derek’s taunting, if anything he just seems angrier, and <em>why is he so angry?</em> </p><p>“What I <em>really</em> want to say is that it seems pretty immature to me that you’re willing to ruin your father’s marriage <em>and</em> Casey’s integrity, all over some stupid high school crush,” Sam declares.</p><p>Derek’s hands tighten into fists and Ralph attempts to get in between them, “Ooookay, why don’t we all just <em>chill</em> for a second?”</p><p>But Derek’s eyes flare with anger and mockery, ignoring Ralph. “I’m sorry, is this about <em>my</em> stupid high school crush on Casey, or <em>yours</em>?”</p><p>And Casey <em>cannot believe</em> they are talking about this, but somehow it’s happening. Sam looks murderous, Derek looks smug and Ralph looks uncomfortable yet ready to separate a fight if he has to; but instead of launching himself at Derek, Sam just says, “Fuck you, man.” And walks out of the apartment.</p><p>Derek’s expression softens and he immediately goes after his friend, “Sam! Sammy, come on!”</p><p>Casey is about to follow them when Ralph’s hand on her shoulder stops her. “Leave them. They need this.”</p><p>She turns to him, wide eyed and incredulous. “Are they seriously fighting about this? That was five years ago!”</p><p>Ralph winces, “It’s not <em>really</em> about you,” he explains, “Well, I think some of it is, but mostly is just some pent up shit that was bound to come out eventually. This is not new, Case. It has been going on since even before you came into the picture.”</p><p>Casey stares at him dumbfounded, “Sam and Derek have… <em>relationship baggage</em>?” She asks skeptically. She always thought they had this chill, easy friendship.</p><p>“Well, yeah. Most important and long term friendships have them, don’t you and Emily have problems?” He looks at her knowingly, and it’s even harder to deny when he just walked in on her with her best friend’s ex.</p><p>“I haven’t told Emily anything about all of this either,” she says, ashamed. “And honestly, I’m not sure she would take it well.”</p><p>Ralph looks at her sympathetically, “Well, there you go.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Derek and Sam don’t come back, and Casey ends up spending her Saturday entertaining Ralph. They go back to her dorm so she can shower and he hits it off with Holly <em>(of course)</em>, so the three of them get lunch and hang out around campus.</p><p>After a whole day of being around Ralph and Holly she starts to question her own sanity, and that’s when Sam and Derek stumble through the front door of her dorm, laughing and with their arms around each other. Derek has a split lip and Sam’s eyebrow is bleeding. Casey has no idea how or what was involved in the making up, because men are weird, but she’s happy they seem to have sorted it out. </p><p>“Heeeeeey! There you are Ralphie! We’ve been looking for you guys everywhere!” Derek goes to pat Ralph on the back.</p><p>Casey eyes him incredulously, “Are you <em>drunk</em>?”</p><p>“Hell yeah, he’s drunk! It’s his birthday!” Sam says joyfully, his voice raised unnecessarily. “Happy birthday man, I love you!”</p><p>Derek laughs, “I love you too dude, you’re like, the brother I never had!”</p><p>“What about Edwin and Simon?” Casey deadpans.</p><p>Derek wraps an arm around her shoulders, “Aaaalways with the technicalities Space Case, my little keener.”</p><p>Sam comes and wraps his arms around the two of them, “Aw, my brother is finally happy after <em>years</em> of pining!”</p><p>Derek sobers up some, “Shut up, Sam.”</p><p>Ralph joins in on the ensemble, “Hey, you abandoned me all day. At least include me in the group hug!”</p><p>Derek immediately disentangles himself, “I don’t do group hugs.” </p><p>They all laugh at him and Holly pipes up, “Soooo, are you all friends again? Can we go out now?”</p><p>Derek points at her, “You know it Holls!”</p><p>They all go down to Tino’s bar and get spectacularly wasted. Ralph, Sam and Casey get on top of a table and start serenading Derek with a slowed down rendition of D-Rock’s <em>‘She Said it Was Over (But it Was Not Over)’</em>, while Derek covers his face with his hands in embarrassment and pretends he doesn’t know them. Holly catches on pretty quickly (the lyrics are easy), and joins in on their singing. </p><p>They end up getting kicked out for the night, and start the trek back to their dorms laughing loudly and stumbling drunkenly. Ralph distances himself from Sam and Derek and catches up to Casey, who has Holly’s arm around her shoulders to support her slightly drunker friend.</p><p>“So, we had a great time, don’t you think?”</p><p>Casey smiles at him, “Sure we did, Ralphie.”</p><p>“Don’t you wish Emily had been here with us though?”</p><p>Casey falters a little, “Ralph.”</p><p>“Just think about it Case. She is your best friend after all, I’m sure she’ll understand.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey spends the next few days turning Ralph’s words over in her head. It’s not that she thinks Emily will have a problem with the whole step-siblings thing. After all, they have already told three people from back home and none of them had a problem with their relationship. They hadn’t even been all that surprised.</p><p>The problem is that Casey doesn’t know how Emily will react to the fact that she’s dating Derek. Her ex-boyfriend, they guy she had a crush on for <em>years</em> on end. Would she be too mad? Sure, they had broken up almost two years ago now, but still.</p><p>“I think you should call her,” Holly tells her from her spot on the couch, watching a movie with Jess. “You can’t just hide this from her forever, she will find out eventually. Better to rip the band aid off quickly.”</p><p>Casey sighs, “What if she hates me?”</p><p>“Then I’ll be your official best friend!” Holly says cheerily.</p><p>Jess hums in thought, “I don’t know, I would be angry if my best friend dated my ex.”</p><p>“<em>Forever</em>?” Holly asks incredulously. Casey feels sick just thinking about the possibility.</p><p>“I don’t know if forever,” Jess says, “But I would be mad as hell, not gonna lie.”</p><p>Casey goes and sits next to them on the couch, sighing dramatically. Holly pats her head.</p><p>“Jess, I told you not to stress Casey out,” Holly reprimands.</p><p>Jess pats her girlfriend’s leg, “Sorry, babe.” Then she turns to Casey, “Holly is right though, you should tell her soon; it’s only going to get worse with time. If you guys really are best friends, she’ll get over it.”</p><p>“I guess you guys are right,” Casey says. </p><p>“Sure. Worst case scenario you’re stuck with Holly as your only best friend, not so bad in my opinion.” Jess winks at her. </p><p>So, Casey decides to call Emily. She wants privacy for this, so she grabs a light jacket and her phone and leaves the dorm. </p><p>She walks through the quad and sits down on a patch of grass under a tree. Emily is her best friend. The only person she had in a new school where she didn’t know anyone else, who stuck by her side through all of high school. Casey needs her to know, she can’t not share this with her.</p><p>On impulse, she hits the ‘call’ button before she can back down. She hears the tone as she waits for Emily to pick up, blood rushing through her ears deafeningly.</p><p>“Hey, girl!” Emily’s enthusiastic voice comes from the phone. </p><p>Casey takes a shuddering breath, “Hey, Em.”</p><p>“How are you? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever, I have soooo much to tell you, you won’t believe who –“</p><p>Casey cuts her off, she has to get this out as soon as possible or she’s going to chicken out. “Em, I… I have to tell you something.”</p><p>Emily’s voice turns concerned, “What is it? Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yes, everything is fine, I just…” Casey fidgets with the hem of her shirt, “I’m scared you won’t like it.”</p><p>“Case, come on. You know you can tell me anything,” Emily says, reassuringly.</p><p>Casey watches students walk past her. She repeats the same words over and over in her head like a mantra, <em>‘the world is not going to stop turning once you tell her’</em>. Everything is going to be fine, she’s her friend. She thinks of Sam and Ralph and how accepting they were. She even thinks of Sally, who’s also Derek’s ex but still was cool with it. </p><p>“Casey, you’re scaring me.”</p><p>She takes a deep breath, “I… Em, I’m dating Derek.”</p><p>She waits in silence during seconds that feel like hours. She can hear Emily breathing, so she knows she didn’t just hang up on her, but still, her friend doesn’t say anything.</p><p>“... Em?” Casey asks shakily.</p><p>“What?” Emily’s voice is just a whisper.</p><p>“Derek and I are together,” Casey repeats, closing her eyes.</p><p>“I – how, <em>when</em>?” Emily sputters.</p><p>“I-It’s been a few months.” Actually, it’s probably been a year since they first kissed, but she doesn’t want to be very specific.</p><p>Another round of silence, “I don’t understand… How…?”</p><p>Emily doesn’t sound particularly angry, just very shocked, and honestly the delayed reaction is starting to really worry Casey, so she just starts blurting everything out, if anything just to fill the silence.</p><p>“Look, Em. I’m sorry, but I <em>swear</em> this is not just something we did on a whim, we have always felt something for each other and –“</p><p>“Excuse me?” Emily cuts her off, and now she does sound pissed. Casey’s heart sinks. “<em>’Always’</em>? As in, when <em>I</em> was dating him ‘always’?”</p><p><em>Oh god, bad move.</em> “Um,” Casey says, at a loss for words. </p><p>“So you were just waiting around for us to break up to get with him or what?”</p><p>“What? No Emily, no way,” Casey says desperately, “We weren’t planning it or anything. I never even thought we would ever actually get together.”</p><p>“But, you <em>always</em> liked him? And you didn’t tell me,” Emily deadpans. </p><p>“I…” </p><p>Casey really doesn’t know what to say. She wasn’t prepared for the conversation to turn in this direction. Whenever she pictured Emily reacting badly to her and Derek, she expected the anger to be about them dating at all, not about the mere existence of her feelings for Derek while Emily was dating him. </p><p>“Casey, answer the question.”</p><p>“Yes,” Casey says. And regrets it instantly.</p><p>Emily inhales sharply, and then laughs sarcastically. “Great, good to know I guess.” </p><p>“Em – “ Tears are already falling down her cheeks. This is worse than she thought it would be. </p><p>“What about him?” Emily snaps, “Did he like you too while he was pretending to like me?”</p><p>“I – He wasn’t <em>pretending</em>,” Casey says, horrified, “Emily, I don’t – “</p><p>“Whatever, Casey.” Emily says, sounding done with the conversation, “I see how it is. I have to go, bye.”</p><p>“Emily – “ </p><p>Emily hangs up on her.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Derek opens the door and immediately frowns in concern. </p><p>“Case? What happened?”</p><p>“I told Emily,” she says, a new round of sobs shaking her.</p><p>“Oh,” Derek says, “Come here.”</p><p>She walks into his open arms and he hugs her tightly, kissing the top of her head.</p><p>“What did she say?”</p><p>Casey hesitates a few seconds, thinking about all the accusations of Derek leading her on and Casey betraying her trust. She feels her throat close up and she shakes her head, “Can I tell you later?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he says.</p><p>They stay like that for a couple of minutes, rocking slightly back and forth. For some reason, Derek’s arms feel like the safest place in the entire world. It astonishes Casey how much her view of him has changed over the years. How a person who once made her feel so threatened, now makes her feel like she’s home. </p><p>Derek pulls away from her, “Hey, go lie in my bed, I’m just gonna get something real quick.”</p><p>She frowns up at him, “What are you getting?”</p><p>“Condoms.” Derek shrugs. </p><p>“De-rek!”</p><p>He laughs loudly, “I’m kidding. Now go, shoo.” He turns her around and pushes her in the direction of his bedroom. </p><p>She enters his room and takes of her shoes. Her head hurts from all the crying, and she just wants to lie down and snuggle up to him. </p><p>Derek comes into the room a few moments later, a bowl and a spoon in his hands. </p><p>“Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for the princess,” he announces, getting in bed with her and handing her the bowl. </p><p>Casey looks up at him in surprise, “You… bought that for me?”</p><p>He just shrugs, “You have a different meltdown every week, I have to be prepared.”</p><p>“Aww, Derek.” She gushes, planting a kiss on his cheek. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Derek says, rolling his eyes and hiding a smile. </p><p>She eats the ice cream while Derek tells her about his day. When she finishes and puts the bowl away, she crawls over closer to him, and they both lay down, Casey with her head on his shoulder.</p><p>Casey’s headache has calmed down a little, but she still has a lot on her mind. The sound of Emily’s upset voice is still ingrained in her mind. Will she be mad forever? Is this the end of their friendship?</p><p>Sam had been mad too, at the beginning. Although it seemed it was for a different reason than Emily. She realizes she doesn’t know the extent of his argument with Derek, just a few bits and pieces Ralph had told her throughout the day they spent together.</p><p>After a couple more minutes of staring at the ceiling and debating, Casey looks up at Derek’s face from her spot curled up next to him.</p><p>“D,” </p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>Casey watches him carefully, “That fight with Sam… What was that about?”</p><p>Derek exhales heavily from his nose and keeps his eyes on the white ceiling tiles. A few moments pass and he still doesn’t say a word. She can practically see the gears moving inside his head trying to come up with something to say.</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me,” Casey reassures him, placing a hand on his chest.</p><p>Derek’s arm tightens around her, “No, no. I want to.”</p><p>Casey disentangles herself from him so she can turn on her stomach, using her elbows to prop herself up and look at him attentively. Derek finds it easier to talk about this kind of stuff when she expresses actual concern for what he has to say, and when she shows openness and makes it clear she won’t judge him.</p><p>He clears his throat, “I guess… It’s just that I’ve always been a lucky guy. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t get something I wanted. And Sam and I have been best friends forever, and we have most of the same likes and interests.”</p><p>Derek looks away from her, and she rests her head against his stomach to show support.</p><p>“So basically, when opportunities presented themselves, like say making team captain, or asking out certain girls, I was always a step ahead of him.”</p><p>Casey nods her head in understanding and Derek brings a hand to her hair, running his fingers through the locks. </p><p>He continues, “Well, you know I used to live by the motto ‘what Derek wants, Derek gets’. It was like that for almost everything I wanted, even if Sam wanted it too.” He grimaces, “And I’m not proud of saying most of the time I didn’t really care.”</p><p>Casey chuckles amusedly, “Are you actually opening up about your sociopathic tendencies?” She says it lightheartedly, so that he knows she’s kidding. </p><p>Derek sends her a death glare and tugs gently on one of her locks, “I’m not a sociopath.”</p><p>Casey turns her head and kisses his hand, “I know. I have proof, you have actual feeeelings,” she teases. </p><p>Derek tugs on her hair again. “Shut up. Anyway, I guess I always took what I wanted for myself, and sometimes I didn’t really stop to see who’s opportunities I was taking away while doing so.” He shrugs self deprecatingly, something  she would have never seen Derek do three years ago. “I guess seeing us together just brought all of that back for Sam, even if he doesn’t have any feelings for you anymore. You were always the one thing we both wanted, that he could have and I couldn’t.”</p><p>Casey hums, “I’m sorry Derek. But you grew up so much since all that, you know that, right?”</p><p>Derek smiles at her, “Yeah, I know. I kind of feel better with myself now that I don’t have a reputation to live up to. I’m just myself, and I’m happy.”</p><p>Casey smiles back, “I’m glad you’re happy.”</p><p>Derek’s fingers stop playing with her hair and he whispers quietly, “You make me happy.”</p><p>She props herself up on her elbows again and Derek’s hand travels to the back of her neck to pull her in for a soft kiss that makes her heart flutter joyfully. She wonders if those reactions he elicits in her are ever going to go away, or at least water down. She doesn’t know if she wants them to.</p><p>Casey lies back down next to him. “I’m glad you guys figured it out.”</p><p>Derek smirks knowingly, “Of course we did. All that manly bromance is impossible to sink.”</p><p>Casey lets out a shuddering breath, “At least <em>we</em> didn’t sink your relationship with Sam.”</p><p>“Hey.” Derek gently grabs her chin to make her look at him, “Emily will come around. You guys love each other or whatever.”</p><p>Casey rolls her eyes affectionately, “If you say so.”</p><p>“Yeah, just wait and see you drama queen.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>The end of Casey’s second year is fast approaching. One day, she’s studying at her dorm with Holly, when there’s a hesitant knock at the door.</p><p>She opens the door and there’s Emily, nose red and a tear stained face. Best friend instincts kick in, and Casey immediately has her arms around her. No fight is important now, just that Emily is very upset and crying, and Casey will be here for her no matter what.</p><p>Emily tells her that she’s taken three pregnancy tests, and that two were negative but one was maybe positive. She freaked out, got into her car, and drove all the way to Kingston, needing Casey to help her figure everything out. </p><p>Holly offers to go to the pharmacy and buy some more tests, but Casey doesn’t fuck around, so she and Emily go to the clinic together, holding hands all the while.</p><p>“W-what am I going to do i-if it’s p-positive?” Emily asks her, completely terrified as they wait for the blood test results.</p><p>Casey squeezes her hand, “We’ll figure it out.”</p><p>Time ticks forward, and Casey and Emily hold onto each other.</p><p>“Case,” Emily speaks up, sounding calmer.</p><p>“Mmh?”</p><p>“I’m so sorry about the fight,” Emily says shakily.</p><p>Casey turns to her, hopeful beyond belief, feeling her heart pounding. “Really?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Emily nods, “I was just so angry because you left me in the dark about the whole thing, and it kind of felt like we could have avoided everything if you had just told me before I started dating Derek. And then I felt like he used me and it sucked.” She finishes, kicking the ground with her shoe. </p><p>Casey grabs both her hands desperately, “I’m so sorry Em, I just. I couldn’t tell you back then.” She shakes her head, “I hadn’t even admitted it to myself, and I honestly never thought something would <em>ever</em> happen between Derek and me. But that doesn’t justify how I acted after, hiding it from you for so long. I guess I was just scared of telling you and you hating me, so I let it get worse until you wouldn’t forgive me.” Casey starts crying too.</p><p>Emily takes a deep breath, “I do forgive you Casey, but you can’t ever do something like that again. From now on, we tell each other everything, okay?”</p><p>Casey holds onto her for dear life, nodding enthusiastically. “Yes, <em>everything</em>. And I really am sorry, Em. I know what Derek was to you… I mean he –“</p><p>Emily shakes her head fervently, putting her hand up to stop Casey’s rant. “Forget it, Derek is ancient history. I got over him the second I left for Toronto.”</p><p>“Really?” Casey breathes, relief washing all over her. </p><p>Emily nods gravelly, “Seriously, I could be having a baby with Sheldon. The name Derek Venturi is totally meaningless right now.”</p><p>“It’s <em>Sheldon’s</em>!?” Casey’s eyes almost fall out of their sockets.</p><p>Emily smiles brightly, “Let’s just say we reconnected.”</p><p>Casey hugs her again, “Oh, Em I’m so happy for you. You loved him so much.”</p><p>“I still do,” Emily says. </p><p>Just then, a doctor comes up to them, “Miss Davis? Come with me please.”</p><p>He takes them to a secluded room and Casey’s mind is already making a list of pros and cons, planning the hell out of her best friend’s future.</p><p>“Well, the blood test was negative, you are not pregnant.”</p><p>Casey and Emily both fall back onto the chairs behind them.</p><p>“Oh my god,” Emily sighs, relieved.</p><p>Casey shakes her head in disbelief, “I was literally ready to be an aunt.”</p><p>Emily laughs breathlessly, “I was already designing the nursery in my head.”</p><p>Casey joins in on the laughter. “I was already thinking about the best preschools in Toronto.”</p><p>“Holy shit.”</p><p>“Oh, god.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Going home and being around their family for a week during the holidays is one thing. Going home for the <em>entire</em> summer is another thing entirely. </p><p>Pretending is not really hard, they are both just doing what they do best after all – arguing all the time, teasing and competing. It’s a weird kind of foreplay they do during the day so they can finally sneak around together during the night.</p><p>Their parents are not hard to deceive, they are as clueless as ever. Their siblings however, are a whole other story.</p><p>Edwin and Lizzie question their attitude all the time. They say they act different than they did before, and they look a little suspicious, but Casey’s not sure what exactly it is that they have in mind in regards to the subject. She’s certainly not going to pry too much into it.</p><p>Lizzie keeps dropping weird hints, telling her that she’s there if Casey ever needs to talk. Casey looks at her weirdly and Lizzie just shrugs in response.</p><p>“I think Marti is onto us,” Derek informs her one night towards the end of the summer, while actively trying to undress her.</p><p>Casey stops his hands, “Wait, what?”</p><p>Derek kisses her neck, “She keeps asking this weird ass questions about us.”</p><p>Casey nods and tries to get away from him, she needs to think straight for this conversation. </p><p>“Lizzie is doing the same thing.”</p><p>Derek chuckles, “Those damn snoops.”</p><p>“Derek, we should do something to throw them off, they could find out –“</p><p>Derek bites her earlobe, quieting her rant. “Later, I have some other things in mind right now.”</p><p>“Oh, do you?” She raises a flirty eyebrow.</p><p>Derek kisses her lips, “Just let me show you.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>Casey is coming out of one of her favorite classes when her phone starts ringing.</p><p>She fumbles with her bag, knocking into some people while distracted on the task, until she finally manages to extract her phone and hold it to her ear.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Casey!” Lizzie’s voice comes from the line. “Where are you?”</p><p>“Hey Liz, I’m just coming out of class, actually.” Casey says, eyeing her wristwatch. She frowns. It’s 1 pm, a weird time for Lizzie to be calling. “Are you okay? What’s up?”</p><p>Lizzie laughs nervously, “Great, we’ll just wait for you at your dorm building then.”</p><p>Casey stops dead in her tracks.  “Wait, wha–“</p><p>“Bye sis!” Lizzie hangs up. </p><p>Casey stands there in shock for a few seconds, letting her sister’s words sink in. Lizzie is at Queen’s? At her dorm building? </p><p>Wait. She said ‘we’. <em>Who’s we?</em> </p><p>She starts fast walking through the quad, heart in her throat. This is her third year at this university. People know her around campus. They know both her <em>and</em> Derek. They know both her and Derek as a <em>couple</em>. Oh, no. Who is Lizzie with? What if she’s with their parents? What if they run into someone she knows?</p><p><em>Oh god</em>, what if they run into <em>Holly</em>? Casey starts running. </p><p>She rounds the corner and sees them. Just Lizzie, Edwin and Marti, standing at the entrance of her dorm building. They seem to be alone, and Casey sighs in relief.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” She asks breathlessly as she approaches them. </p><p>“It’s a McDonald-Venturi family emergency!” Edwin exclaims, although he’s grinning, for some reason. </p><p>“What? What happened?” Casey asks, coming to a stop in front of them. She absentmindedly returns the greeting hugs each of her siblings offer while trying to catch Lizzie’s eyes.</p><p>“It’s nothing serious,” Lizzie says, grinning a little. Casey frowns at her, something seems off. </p><p>Casey suddenly remembers that it’s Wednesday and 1pm and she narrows her eyes at them, “Shouldn’t you be at school?” She turns to Lizzie, “Does mom know you’re here?”</p><p>Edwin shrugs, “We texted dad.”</p><p>Okay, that is not reassuring at all. That just means her mother’s going to come home from work and find all her children missing. Casey’s eyes widen, “And you brought <em>Marti</em> with you?”</p><p>Lizzie smiles sheepishly, “She wanted to come.”</p><p>Casey looks at Marti incredulously, “She’s eleven!”</p><p>Marti crosses her arms over her chest indignantly, “Hey, I’m almost twelve!”</p><p>“Where’s Derek, anyway?” Edwin asks. “We’ve been calling him too.”  </p><p>Marti perks up immediately, “Yeah, I want to see Smerek.”</p><p>Casey eyes them suspiciously for a couple of seconds, “He’s in class.”</p><p>“Well then, we have some time to explore campus,” Edwin says, eying a couple of girls that are walking by.</p><p>Casey grabs the back of his shirt before he can go after them. “Get inside now, I’ll text Derek to come over when he leaves class.” Derek was already coming over after class, but they don’t need to know that.</p><p>As they enter her building, she texts Holly quickly to figure out whether she’s home or not. She’s not. They go to her dorm and hang around waiting for Derek. Casey looks at Lizzie closely. She doesn’t seem upset exactly, just kind of spaced out and fidgety. Edwin looks like his normal cheery self, and Marti just looks excited.</p><p>Half an hour later, the door to her dorm opens.</p><p>“Honey, I’m home!” Derek calls, then jumps in surprise when he sees the kids.</p><p><em>Shit, I forgot to give him a heads up.</em> </p><p>Edwin, Lizzie and Marti blink back at him. </p><p>“What the hell are you doing here?” </p><p>“Smerek!” Marti launches herself at him. </p><p>“Hey Smarts!” He scoops her sister up in the air and sends a questioning look Casey’s way.</p><p>“Apparently there’s a family emergency,” Casey informs him.</p><p>Derek eyes the trio unimpressed. “You don’t look too distressed to me.”</p><p>“Lizzie needed to talk to Casey,” Edwin explains.</p><p>“So you all came all the way to Kingston.” Derek raises and eyebrow.</p><p>“I wanted to see you,” Marti says. Derek ruffles her hair.</p><p>“I wanted to see some older college babes.” Edwin shrugs. Derek fist bumps him.</p><p>Casey turns to Lizzie, feeling the concern setting in. “What do you need to talk about?”</p><p>Lizzie dismisses her with her hand, “It can wait. We haven’t eaten anything, can we go get food?”</p><p>Edwin and Marti agree enthusiastically, Derek just shrugs. “They are already here, might as well feed them.”</p><p>So they all go out and spend the day together. They go out of campus in case they run into someone and they start asking questions such as, ‘Hey, how come you share all this siblings, aren’t you supposed to be dating?’</p><p>Casey has fun. It’s always nice to spend time with her family, and it feels different away from London too. It’s like around their siblings, they don’t have to put up an act, they are just themselves. Neither Lizzie, nor Edwin or Marti expects anything from them. At least she doesn’t feel like she has to explain the way she interacts with Derek, they don’t seem to mind or care how many arguments they have or how much teasing they do.</p><p>She calls her mom and reassures her that the kids are okay and with them, and that they will bring them home in a few hours. They still expect some kind of punishment though, but that is not her or Derek’s problem. </p><p>As they make their trek back to campus, Lizzie and Casey hang back a little from the Venturi kids, who are walking ahead of them. </p><p>“What’s going on Liz? You’re kind of scaring me,” Casey addresses her sister quietly. A million things run through her mind, scared that something happened to her or her mom. </p><p>Lizzie kicks a rock and exhales softly, “I kissed a girl.”</p><p>Casey falters a little in her tracks, and then sighs in relief when what Lizzie says registers in her brain. “Oh. Oh well, there’s nothing wrong with that.”</p><p>Lizzie smiles slightly, “I know that. It’s just, I’m so confused.”</p><p>Casey nods her head, “I get it. Who is she?”</p><p>“A girl from school. She’s cool and I like her, but I don’t know exactly how I feel yet. I’ve never kissed another girl before.”</p><p>Casey wraps an arm around Lizzie’s shoulders, surprised to see that they are almost the same height. When did she grow so much? </p><p>“Don’t worry Liz. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Does mom know?”</p><p>Lizzie shakes her head, “I needed to talk to you about it and Edwin is useless. I’m sorry for worrying you and coming all the way here.”</p><p>Casey feels a tug on her heart knowing that despite their distance, she’s still the person her sister wants to talk to when she’s having trouble.</p><p>“It’s okay, I’m glad you came to me. You know I support you, right?” Casey says. </p><p>Lizzie smiles brightly, “Yeah, I know. I just don’t know how I feel about everything.”</p><p>“It’s alright, you’ll figure it out. I’m a call away if you need anything, always.” She reassures. </p><p>She thinks about her sister, travelling all the way here to see her and talk to her about something that’s important to her, because she trusts her, and suddenly realizes that she can trust her too. That she wants to trust her and share important stuff with her too. </p><p>Casey takes a deep breath and squeezes Lizzie a little harder. “You know, I have a something I want to tell you too,” she says, a little nervously.</p><p>Lizzie turns her head to look at her, “What is it?”</p><p>Lizzie knows that they are not brother and sister, she will understand, just like Emily, Sam and Ralph did. Right? </p><p>Casey swallows, “Well, Derek and I…” She trails off. </p><p>Lizzie smirks, “… Are dating?”</p><p>Casey trips over her own feet and uses her arm around Lizzie to right herself while her sister laughs shamelessly. “Wait, what?”</p><p>Lizzie laughs louder and calls, “Pay up, Venturi!”</p><p>Derek, Marti and Edwin stop walking and turn around. </p><p>“What?” Edwin calls back.</p><p>Lizzie and a slightly horrified Casey catch up to them.</p><p>“They <em>are</em> dating, I told you!” Lizzie says, proudly.</p><p>All of the Venturi’s jaws drop.</p><p>Derek turns to Casey wide eyed, “You told her!?”</p><p>“Smerek, you’re dating Casey?” Marti exclaims indignantly, “You <em>lied</em> to me!”</p><p>Casey shakes her head, trying to catch up to everything that’s going on. “You guys <em>knew</em>?”</p><p>“And you had a <em>bet</em> about it?” Derek adds. </p><p>Lizzie grins, self satisfied. “Yeah, and I won. I knew you guys were together already.”</p><p>Edwin huffs, getting his wallet out of his pocket. “I thought it would take a while longer.”</p><p>Marti keeps staring at Derek, betrayed. “I can’t believe I trusted you, I could have made some money!”</p><p>Derek smiles sheepishly at his sister, “I’m sorry Smarti, we just thought it was best if we didn’t tell anyone.” He looks towards Edwin, and Lizzie collecting her earnings and shakes his head. “Guess we could have told you since you guys seem to be weirdly cool with it.”</p><p>Lizzie shrugs, “I mean, it was pretty obvious, we were just waiting for you to admit it already.”</p><p>Marti grumbles, “I can’t believe you left me out of the bet.”</p><p>Casey laughs, incredulously. Derek looks at her worriedly.  “Um, Case?” </p><p>“I can’t believe you guys are just… okay with it,” she says, shock is wearing off and giddiness is starting to set in. Derek smiles at her, relieved. </p><p>“Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting for this my whole life,” Marti says, Derek raises an eyebrow at her and she smiles sheepishly back at him. </p><p>“So, the cat is finally out of the bag, are you guys going to tell rents?” Edwin asks, putting his wallet back in his pocket. “Dad is gonna burst a blood vessel.”</p><p>Derek runs a hand down his face. “That’s what Sam said.”</p><p>Lizzie shakes her head, “Mom doesn’t know anything, really. They are pretty clueless about this.”</p><p>Marti frowns, “Well, I don’t understand the problem.”</p><p>Derek pats her head, “They see us as siblings, Smarti.”</p><p>Marti scrunches up her nose in disgust, “Ew. I never saw you two as brother and sister.”</p><p>Edwin and Lizzie both shudder at the thought. Casey fights back a shiver herself, thinking about telling their parents is still not something she likes to think about after all this time. </p><p>“You should tell them, though.” Edwin says, “They can’t keep living in denial.”</p><p>Both Marti and Lizzie nod, Derek and Casey share a look.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>After they drop the kids off at their house in London, they start the trip back to Queen’s. It’s already dark and they are going to get to campus pretty late probably. </p><p>“Case,” Derek says. He sounds very serious, and Casey feels the dread start to set in her stomach.</p><p>“Mmh?”</p><p>“I think we should… Start talking about the possibility of telling dad and Nora about us,” he says. </p><p>Casey exhales through her nose, and looks out her window.</p><p>“Okay, just hear me out,” Derek says. Casey looks back at him. “The kids already know, and they are totally cool with it. Hell, they were even expecting it. They never saw us as siblings, so we don’t have to worry about ruining the entire family anymore, okay? That’s out of the way.”</p><p>Casey nods, “What about mom and George though? They are obviously not expecting it.”</p><p>“And they are never going to be expecting it. Case, we have been together for almost two years. We… we love each other and we are not breaking up any time soon. Do you want to keep living like we did last summer?” Derek sighs, “I mean, sneaking around is fun and all, but I don’t want that <em>forever</em>.” He shakes his head, “I don’t want to live like that.”</p><p>Casey sucks in a deep breath, “What are you really saying, Derek?”</p><p>Derek looks away from the road for a second to look back at her, catching her eyes. She sees all the determination in his brown eyes in that split second.</p><p>“I want to tell them,” he says. </p><p>“So you think they’ll take it well,” Casey says, disbelieving. “That they will be happy for us and it will be all open arms if we tell them?”</p><p>Derek shakes his head, “No, Case. They’ll hate it. <em>When</em> we tell them they’ll hate it, but they <em>will</em> get over it.”</p><p>“How do you know that?” She whispers. She’s starting to get upset, and she doesn’t want to fight. They both agreed they would eventually tell them, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less scary now than it was a year ago. </p><p>“They are our parents. They won’t disown us or anything. They’ll be upset for a while and then they will deal with it,” Derek says.</p><p>Casey looks out of the window again, eyes filling with tears. “Dealing with it is not the same as accepting, Derek.”</p><p>“Sweetheart. Look at me,” he says, and her heart squeezes inside her chest. They are not really big on pet names, but sometimes he calls her ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’ and she instantly melts into a poodle. It’s almost as effective and rare as his hugs.</p><p>She looks reluctantly back at him, already softening up. He sends her a quick smile and then returns his attention to the road.</p><p>“They will accept it, Case. They’ll just maybe need some time. We have time, right?” </p><p>Casey looks at him, this man she loves so much. They have been through so much together, they know each other inside and out. If she closes her eyes and imagines her future, being a lawyer or a mom, or having her own house seems so far away, so unrealistic. The only thing she can see clearly is Derek. She knows she wants him in her future. So yeah, they have time.</p><p>“Okay,” she says. “We’ll tell them.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>After the semester is over, they go home for the Holidays. They decide they are going to tell them during dinner the first day, to get it over and done with. They talk to the kids in advance, and they all support their decision, and agree to help them through it.</p><p>Casey has a full speech prepared, and she practices it in front of the mirror eleven times. Derek just rolls his eyes at her and reminds her she’s shit at performing under pressure, and to let him tell them. But Casey pleads with him to let her drop the bomb, to soften the reaction for her mom.</p><p>Plus, who knows what Derek could come up with? He’s totally capable of opening with <em>‘Hey Nora, guess who’s banging your daughter!’</em></p><p>She fidgets the whole way to London, even asks Derek to pull over so she can openly freak out. Derek is calmer than her <em>(as always)</em> but Casey can tell he’s nervous too. </p><p>They decided to sit next to each other, for support, so Derek and Lizzie switch places on the dinner table. Their parents frown a little at the sitting arrangement change, but don’t comment on it. </p><p>Conversation flows back and forth normally during dinner. Simon makes his usual ruckus sitting on his high chair besides her mom, Edwin, Marti and Lizzie all trade stories animatedly, George cracks his usual jokes and her mother gives her usual smiles at everything and anything. </p><p>Whenever there’s a moment where the conversation dies down for a second, Derek squeezes her thigh as an indication to break the news. But every time she opens her mouth, she ends up chickening out. </p><p>It’s not until George makes a comment on how glad he is that his son has his sister keeping him on track in college that Derek finally mutters, “You have about ten seconds before I explode on them.”</p><p>Casey clears her throat. “George, mom.”</p><p>Six pairs of eyes, with the exception of Simon, turn to look at her. Marti, Edwin and Lizzie all set their forks down on the table, knowing what’s coming. </p><p>Casey continues, nervously. “Derek and I. I mean. We wanted to tell you…” She shifts in her sit, Derek squeezes her thigh again. “The thing is, Derek and I. I mean we…”</p><p>“What is it honey?” Her mother prompts.</p><p>Casey hesitates for a second, aching to back track. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Derek opening his mouth to respond himself.</p><p>“We’re dating!” She blurts out.</p><p>Her announcement is followed by heavy silence. She feels like the entire room stopped breathing, and then George speaks up.</p><p>“Dating who?” He asks, confused.</p><p>Casey looks at Derek and finds the same confusion she feels written all over his face. The kids are all looking at George with frowns on their faces.</p><p>Casey cocks her head to the side, “I – what?”</p><p>”Is this about Christmas?” Nora asks, a knowing smile on her face. “Are you each planning on bringing someone?”</p><p>Another round of silence.</p><p>“I’m sorry, what?” Casey sputters, completely at a loss.</p><p>“Who are you dating?” George clarifies.</p><p>Derek and Casey look at each other, bewildered. All of this confusion managed to somehow lessen her fear, so Casey just answers, “Each other.”</p><p>There is yet another moment of silence. Her mother has finally fallen back against her chair, jaw slack and understanding in her eyes. Casey feels her stomach churning.</p><p>George coughs nervously, “What do you mean?”</p><p>Now Casey is getting frustrated, are they playing dumb on purpose or what? </p><p>Derek rolls his eyes, “We are dating each other. Casey is dating me. I’m dating her,” he says, as if explaining something to a five year old.</p><p>When the silence comes back for the fifth time, Casey is already considering running for the hills. This could not get any more awkward if they tried.</p><p>Nora cracks a hesitant smile, “Is this a joke?”</p><p>Casey looks over at her mom in disbelief, “No, of course it’s not a joke mom.” Although she kind of wishes she could say <em>‘yeah, gotcha’</em>. She would never do that to Derek.</p><p>George shakes his head gravely, “It’s not funny, Derek.”</p><p>Derek looks back at his father, unimpressed. “Do I look like I’m laughing?”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Marti says. Everyone turns to look at her. “Why is it so hard to believe?”</p><p>“Marti,” George says, “Do you understand what your brother is implying?”</p><p>“I’m not implying, dad. I’m telling you,” Derek says, annoyed.</p><p>Marti nods her head, “Yes, I understand. They’ve already explained it to me.”</p><p>Edwin winces, “Marti…”</p><p>George turns to Derek, a furious look on his face. “Derek, are you kidding me!?”</p><p>Derek grips the edge of the table tightly, obviously trying to keep his cool. “Dad, I literally <em>just said</em> I wasn’t.”</p><p>Casey clears her throat, it feels like sand paper. “We told all three of them when they came to visit.”</p><p>Nora shakes her head at her. </p><p>“They are okay with it,” Casey says weakly, and then reaches for her glass of water. All three of the kids nod their heads in agreement with her statement. </p><p>George looks at Derek meaningfully, “I thought we had already talked about this Derek.”</p><p>Casey looks over at Derek in surprise, but his gaze is locked with his father’s. </p><p>“Yes, dad,” he drawls, “We talked about this a million years ago when I was fifteen, we’re adults now, we can make our own choices. Plus, the thing you were worried about back then? Sorry, but that ship has <em>sailed</em>.”</p><p>George turns bright red with fury, “We are a family! She’s your sister!” He exclaims. </p><p>Casey shakes her head, scandalized. “No, I’m <em>not</em>.”</p><p>“Casey,” Nora hisses.</p><p>Casey turns to look at her defiantly, “Mom, I’m not!”</p><p>Edwin clears his throat awkwardly, “Yes dad, come on. They are not brother and sister. They never were.”</p><p>George turns his head sharply towards him, “Edwin.”</p><p>Lizzie puts a hand over Nora’s on the table, “Mom, Casey and Derek love each other.”</p><p>“Yes!” Marti agrees, nodding enthusiastically. </p><p>Nora raises both hands and shakes her head, baffled noises coming out of her mouth. </p><p>“Okay. I think the kids should leave the table for this conversation,” George says. </p><p>Edwin puts both hands on the table, “We are <em>not</em> kids and we are <em>not</em> leaving. We support them. We are staying.”</p><p>“Yes,” Marti affirms, defiantly. Lizzie nods her head, crossing her arms over her chest. Casey feels her heart tug with affection for them through the turmoil of emotion raging inside of her.</p><p>George shakes his head at the three of them and turns back to Derek and Casey. “How long has this been going on?” He demands.</p><p>“Almost two years now, give or take,” Derek says.</p><p>Nora gasps, still looking completely baffled. “I don’t understand. You never… there weren’t any sings, you – you hated each other!” She says, raising her voice hysterically.</p><p>“Come on, mom,” Lizzie says softly, always the calm mediator. Casey feels everything but calm in this situation. “There were <em>plenty</em> of sings. We all figured it out. You are just in denial.”</p><p>“Elizabeth,” Nora says, indignantly.</p><p>George covers his face with his hands, “Oh god, the cake fight. I <em>knew it</em>, I knew it looked weird.”</p><p>Edwin chuckles incredulously, realization and implications dawning on him just then too. “<em>Dude</em>. Holy shit.”</p><p>Derek smiles tightly, and Casey can feel the movement under the table indicating he just kicked his brother. Edwin’s face morphs into pain. </p><p>Marti frowns confusedly, “What about the cake fight?”</p><p>Nora turns to Casey again, “Casey. Didn’t you stop for a moment to think about how much this could affect the family? How much it will confuse Simon?” She accuses, pointing at the toddler on the chair, who’s watching the entire argument with mild interest, but without understanding.</p><p>Casey feels indignation start boiling inside of her. “Of course I did mom!”</p><p>Nora just pushes on, undeterred. “What if you break up? Are you going to just never be in the same room again?”</p><p>“Mom, please. Just listen to me –”</p><p>“I just can’t believe how selfish you’re being,” Nora says quietly, shaking her head.</p><p>That’s it. That’s the magic word, the one switch she had to flip to trigger Casey’s anger. She is about to go ballistic on her own mother, probably say things she’s going to regret forever, when Derek’s hand catches her own under the table, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She feels the anger dial down a few notches and manages to keep quiet.</p><p>It’s Derek who speaks up, “Nora, I think you know better than that.” Both parents raise their eyebrows at the bold statement, but Derek continues, unfazed. “Do you honestly think Casey would just jump into something like this without thinking about it a bazillion times? I can guarantee you; she factored in how it would affect every single one of you before it happened. We’re not being selfish. We held back long enough, I’m sorry if it’s not what you wanted, but it’s not going away.”</p><p>Silence falls upon the dinner table as they all stare at Derek, Casey with wide, wonder filled eyes and their parents with equal angry seriousness. Marti, Edwin and Lizzie are all grinning hugely, proudly. Another few seconds pass where no one says anything and Derek closes his case. </p><p>“We’re in love, deal with it.” He crosses his arms and leans back against his chair to watch the impact with a self satisfied grin. Casey resists the urge to roll her eyes at the attitude. </p><p>Nora’s jaw drops, never once before having heard Derek talk about his feelings with such openness. George looks taken aback for a few moments before scoffing.</p><p>“Come on now, Derek.”</p><p>Marti frowns, “Daddy.”</p><p>George crosses his arms and mirrors his son, leaning back against his chair and locking eyes with him. They stare each other down, and Casey desperately searches for her mother’s gaze, but Nora is staring down at her plate, frowning. </p><p>Edwin and Lizzie just look at each other worriedly, and Marti looks like she’s about to cry. Casey feels like crying herself. </p><p>Derek speaks up at last, “Fine, we’ll just leave then.”</p><p>A chorus of ‘what?’ erupts across the table as Derek stands up, offering his hand to Casey. She takes it without hesitation and he pulls her up.</p><p>“Wait,” Nora says. She has tears in her eyes as she grabs Casey’s other hand. Despite her anger towards her mom, her touch is always soothing and welcome. “Please, sit down. Let’s talk about this. You’re our children and we love you no matter what. We’ll figure it out. Don’t leave. Please.”</p><p>She stares at George pleadingly until he sighs and takes Derek’s hand, “Sit down, son.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>So they talk about it. It is hours and tears and apologies from both sides. The kids end up leaving halfway through, when they are no longer needed for support. Nora and George end up accepting it.</p><p>The whole Holiday break is awkward. George goes to sleep in Casey’s room and they send her to the basement with her mother. There is a lot of tension around the house at all times, and going back to Kingston is like finally exhaling in relief. </p><p>Casey cries a lot during that whole tense period, and Derek hates it too, even if he acts all tough about it. It eventually gets better. Their parents love them no matter what, after all. It helps that their siblings are so amazing and natural about it all. With time, they end up understanding, even embracing their relationship.</p><p>The day she graduates college, Casey looks at her family from the stage and smiles. They all go to a celebratory dinner after the ceremony. Derek and Casey announce that they have both found jobs and are moving to Toronto together, both wanting to keep pursuing their career dreams. There’s a toast, and happiness all around. </p><p>Looking back, her life definitely didn’t go over the way she had planned of even expected. But that’s okay; she’s still learning to go with the flow, to take it easy. To fight for what she wants and what she loves.</p><p>Casey clinks her glass against Lizzie’s and takes a sip, unable to keep the smile from her face. She looks around the table and drinks it in, the happiness of living her life unapologetically, how much she has accomplished by being brave and going with what feels right in her heart.</p><p>She leans over to whisper to Derek, “You know, I think everything turned out okay.”</p><p>Derek smirks, “I told you so.”</p><p>He catches her hand under the table.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The End.</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's the end. This chapter was really hard to write, especially the ending, but I think I'm happy with it. </p><p>I hope you liked it! Thank you all so much for reading!</p>
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